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FRIDAY-ISTIS HAS KICKED IN


BONDEE

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thats good to hear....

why? whats happened??

p.s> weeks almost out!!!! bring on the weekend!

Can't really say, but imagine a very badly infected ingrown toenail and a 4mm shard of glass that penetrated to bone (which no one saw for 2 weeks before allowing me a peg at it), all in a person with a compromised immune system. Poor sod has been in hospital for 2 weeks, and no one could figure out what the problem was!

hey i had something like this...got an ingrown toe nail removed.. the doctor tols me to keep the bandage on for a week before changing it (i now know this is VERY wrong) so i did that and of corse it was VERY VERY nasty and infected when i changed it so i hit the docs, 2weeks of anti biotics, it was clearing, two days off them and it was back WORSE!

so back to the docs, Stronger anit biotics, for a week, NO CHANGE!

so they tests begain... blood, swabs, pee, xrays... cat scan... ALL WHILE BEING ON ANTI BITOICS...

aparently nothign unusual so into hospital i got for IV anti biotics.. worked a treat... 3days outta hospital! WORSE THAN BEFORE!

then they decdied to do a bone scan... so waiting at the docs for results when he comes rushign in saying an ambo is on its way im goign to the hospital imediatly.. i have a BONE INFECTION! which has carried up my foot, maybe my leg... will prob loose my toe, possibly my foot. SCARY FOR A 14YR OLD!

so yeah after a small op and 3weeks in hospital i can out, with my foot, toe, the lot... but a VERY weak immune system due to the Anti biotics, still do now.. but i have my foot!!! :)

wow.. life story or what?! oops im bored

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tomorrow night... dinner @ pancake house! (forgot to tell you nel, you in?) then prob cruise!

saturday arvo im workign @ the 4WD SHOW (wa-in's come have a look!)

then saturday night drags for top door slammers and nitro bikes

then off the the brissy for drinks (forgot to tell you about brissy too nel, come along)

sunday AM in sure ill be nursing a sore head...

sunday arvo im working @ 4WD SHOW again...

sunday arvo will prob hit the Cott or Mulluz!

:) :) :)

oh ta love for mentioning all this :lol:

least good ol TOCAU forums got the msg to me hahaha

pancakes & cruise tomorrow nite... oh yeh! might take the 180... see if i can con anyone into being my passenger..?

Yeh Brissy for drinks sounds goooooooooood ;)

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Time for some Friday Funnies.....

A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on a bike.

The officer says, "Pull over," and the driver pulls over to the side of the road.

He says, "I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?"

The police officer says, "No, mate, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back."

The man replies, "Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf!"

*********************************

The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well behaved group of inmates to a baseball game.

The General Manager of the club was a little wary of this.

When the Recreational Director said: "If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?" The General Director agreed.

The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Director shouted: "Stand up, nuts!" Everyone stood up. "Sit down, nuts!" Everyone sat down. "Look behind you, nuts!" Everyone turned around.

Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in.

About the third inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were running helter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that someone had called out: "Peanuts!"

***************************

A farmer goes to the patent office to patent a peach, and the patent officer says- "you can't patent a peach, the peach has already been patented!"

And the farmer says, "Oh no. Not THIS kind of peach. Go ahead, try it!"

So the patent officer takes a bite, and then- "oh, wow! This is so good! It tastes like- blackberry pie!"

And the farmer says "Yeah, and Do you like vanilla ice cream?

Well then you gotta flip it over & try the other side".

So the patent officer does and he's like- "Man! that really does taste like vanilla ice cream! I can't believe it!"

So then the farmer looks around a bit and lowers his voice almost to a whisper, and says: "Psst! Have you ever tasted *****?"

"Oh yeah, I've eaten plenty of *****!"

"And you like it, right?"

"Yeah I LOVE the taste of *****" says the patent officer, starting to get excited.

The farmer says, "OK, then take a bite, right there"

So the patent officer takes this HUGE bite, and then his eyes widen & he spits it out all over the place.

"Oh, Yuck! That tasted like ****!" & the farmer says "shoot,...I'm sorry- flip it over & try the other side!"

************************************

Q. How can you tell when a Jewish girl has an orgasm?

A. She drops her nail file.

**************************

Two elderlies are rocking on the porch at the home. "Bet you can't guess how old I am," he says. "Bet I can," she says. "Bet you fifty dollars you can't tell me how old I am," he says. "You're on," she says.

"Stand up." He stands up. She looks him up and she looks him down. "Now turn around," she says. She looks him up and she looks him down. "Now, turn back around . . . and drop your pants," she says.

He drops his pants and she looks him up . . . and she looks him down . . . "you're 86," she says. He's dumbounded. "By golly, woman, you're right. I am 86. How'd you know?" She rocks and smiles.

"You told me yesterday!"

**********************************

Rules that guys wished girls knew..........

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint and monster trucks.

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like ever other cat.

9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not a sport.

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad's way past idiot.

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

19. ****** standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

25. Check your oil.

26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz in Cosmo together.

29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - but not both.

35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

36. Captain Cook didn't need directions, and neither do we.

37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

38. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty, and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

41. Anyone can buy condoms.

********************************

There are four guys in the park who get arrested for blowing bubbles.

In the court room one guy comes in, the judge says, "who are you and what are you charged with"??

"I'm duck and i got charged for blowing bubbles in the park".

2nd one comes in, " who are you and what are you charged with"?

"I'm duck duck and i was charged for blowing bubbles in the park".

3rd one comes in." Who are you and what were you charged with"?

"I'm duck duck duck and i was charged for blowing bubbles in the park".

4th one comes in judge says "let me guess, your duck duck duck duck, and charged for blowing bubbles in the park?"

"NO, he says...I'm bubbles!!".

********************************

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a

wish and threw in a penny.

The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much,

fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while

but then smiled and said...

"Cool!...It really works"!

*************************************************

A duck walks into a convenience store. He asks the man at the counter, "You got any grapes?"

Guy at the counter says, "No, we don't have any grapes."

Duck says "okay." and he leaves.

The next day the duck comes back in and says "You got any grapes?"

The man once again replies, "No! We do not have any grapes."

The duck says "Okay." and he leaves.

The third day the duck walks in again and asks, "You got any grapes?"

The man is very annoyed and says, "No! For the last time, we do NOT have any grapes. If you come in here again and ask for grapes, I'm gonna nail your bill to the floor!"

The duck replies "Okay," and leaves.

The fourth day the duck returns once again and asks, "You got any nails?"

The man at the counter says "No."

The duck says, "Well then, you got any grapes?"

*********************************

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets.

When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"

"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift.

Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket.

"I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained.

I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask."

"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.

As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers.

My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?"

"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room, too." "How's that, I asked?"

"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh. . ., selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!" "Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use the spoon in my pocket"!

**************************

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AUSTRALIAN.'

2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' - She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.'

3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITY IMPAIRED.'

7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY' - she gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED'

8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.'

9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.'

11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is 'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.'

12 She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

*********************************

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER'- He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.'

6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.'

7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL *****' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

8 He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'

9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'

10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.'

11. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging o ut of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE'

***********************************

Headline in today's newspaper:

"Suicidal Blonde Twin kills sister by mistake"!

********************************

What happens when you play Country music records backwards?

You Sober up, your wife comes home and your dog returns to life!

*********************************

A preacher was giving a sermon to a full church when all of a sudden the devil appeared. He was menacing and threatening and the entire congregation started to flee the church except for one old man.

When the church was empty the devil went up to the man and asked "aren't you afraid of me, I'm evil incarnate, the most horrific being in the universe and will most likely torture you!"

The man replied "You don't scare me, I've been married to your sister for 35 years".

***************************

Something for Sidey

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the hotel manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?, they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

***************************

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electrical section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

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You know what makes the week go faster? More jokes!

BAM!

elzar1.jpg

***************************

A lawyer and an Aussie are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that this Aussie is so dumb that he could get one over on him easy...So the lawyer asks if the Aussie would like to play a fun game.

The Aussie is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches his attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Aussie doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Aussie's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Internet. He sends e-mails to all the smartest friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Aussie and hands him $500. The

Aussie pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Aussie up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The Aussie reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with Aussies .

*****************************

Otis, Henry, and Tom were sitting in a bar discussing their wives.

Henry started by saying, "I think my wife is fooling around on me. I went home the other day and found a hammer and a saw under our bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a carpenter!"

Tom answered, "Ya, I think my wife is not faithful either.

The other day I went home and found a pipe wrench and some pipes under my bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a plumber!"

Otis then joins in and says, "Well, if you think that's bad, I've got one for ya. I went home yesterday and found a cowboy under my bed.

I think my Lina is cheatin' on me with a horse!"

************************

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated.

"We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!"

************************

In a small southern town I saw a wonderful nativity scene, but one feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a convenience store on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face, she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar!'"

***********************

Little Johnny has a question, so he goes around the house to find his father. He opens his dad's bedroom door and finds his mom and dad humping away on the bed! "Dad!" says Johnny, "What are you doing!"

Johhny's father stops humping for a second and says "Well, Johnny, I'm playing poker...and your mother's the wild card". "Oh,"says Johnny and he leaves the room.

Still in need of an answer to his question, Little Johnny set out to look for his big brother, Ernie. He opens his brother's bedroom door and finds Ernie and his sister Thelma humping away! "Ernie!" cried Johnny, "What are you doing!". Ernie stops humping for a second and says, "Well...I'm playing poker, Johnny... and Thelma is the wildcard. "Oh", says Johnny and he leaves the room.

Later, Johnny's dad approached Johnny's room to call him to dinner. He opens Johnny's bedroom door and finds Johnny wacking off like it was going out of style! "Johnny!" his father said, "I see you're playing poker, but where's your wildcard?"

Johnny replies, "With a hand like this, who needs a wildcard!"

************************

Harry says to his pet parrot Smitty, "What do you want for your birthday?" Smitty says, "I want to get laid."

So Harry takes Smitty to a parrot ***** house, gives him a hundred bucks, and Smitty goes upstairs with a hot-looking parrot *****.

After a few minutes, Harry hears really loud screeching and squawking, so he runs upstairs and into the room.

There's Smitty, holding down the ***** parrot and yanking out her colorful feathers.

"Harry, says Smitty, what the hell are you doing?"

Smitty says, "For a hundred bucks I want her nude!"

*******************************

Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she was being given the guided tour by a senior consultant, they passed a room where a man was masturbating wildly through the window. Of course the Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.

"Ah," said the doctor, "Now, although it is perhaps unfortunate that you should have witnessed that, in fact, that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode."

"Oh." said Her Majesty. "Well, in that case I suppose it's understandable."

Further down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open and you could see a nurse was clearly giving a patient oral sex.

"Goodness Gracious!" shrieked Her Majesty, "I demand an explanation of this kind of sordid goings- on!"

"Ah," said the Doctor, "same problem - better health plan."

******************************

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves when the little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather smiles. "I'll bet you five dollars you can't.

It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather, impressed with his grandson's ingenuity, hands him five dollars ... then grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars?"

The grandfather replies, "Yes, I know. But that's from your grandma!"

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all the best to BONDEE's son for the photoshoot today!

my weekend... well it almost here .... YAY!!!!!!!

poker night fundraiser tonight for the soccer club, see how we go about what we do after that, then tomorrow i have a mates 28th birthday bbq and another mates 21st sat night, then may head out afterwards depending on how i feel... then sunday i have a family friends function... how about you?

Edited by manu_boy
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Yay Friday.

Had a HUGE downpour last night so most businesses around here are shutting up because of flooding etc......but not me, Im the guy trying to organise all the repairs for everyone.

Argh.

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