JOKES !!!!

[mtbrider]

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local

council office to request the removal of the Koala Crossing

sign on our road. The reason: "Too many Koalas are being hit by cars out here!

I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

[D'Ice]

an iraqi man is walking in the desert when he stumbles on a magic lamp... he's like omg wtf... he rubs it n the genie pops up n tells him he can have one wish...

so the guy is like i want a bridge from iraq to canada... the genie looks at him n pleads with him to make another wish she just cbf building a bridge that big... so the guy goes okay fair enough... i wish for the situation in iraq to get better...

so the genie paused for a second and asks the guy "so did you want a single or dual lane bridge"

lol

[D'Ice]

this is an iraqi joke that i'll try my best to translate...

two farmers are playing chess...

one of the farmers says "i killed your horse (knight)"

the other farmer gets angry and leaves...

he comes back after 5min and says "well i poisoned all your cows"

lol

[DHC09]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick ".

[DHC09]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy T-shirt with holes in it and wearing worn out flip-flops exposing her cracked heels and filthy toenails.

When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The woman stops screaming long enough to say,

"Hell no they ain't!The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the Hell would you think they're twins?

Do you really think they look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter, "But I just find it hard to believe that someone had sex with you twice."

[DHC09]

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington Chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my ***."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

[CjRasmu]

^^ HAHAHA, thats absolute GOLD!!

[D'Ice]

lol hahaha wat a sick ****... smartass.... kinda reminds me of myself back in highschool... except for the big words bit lol

[mtbrider]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck,

then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.

Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute,

and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[mtbrider]

L ITTLE VITO ON LIFE

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on Little Vito.

He replies, "None. They will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Vito says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Vito replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

LITTLE VITO ON MATH

Little Vito returns from school, and he says he got an "F" for arithmetic.

"Why?" asks Little Vito's father?

"The teacher asked me: 'How much is 2x3'. I said '6," replies Little Vito.

"But that's right!" says Little Vito's Dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me: "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fuking difference?" asks Little Vito's father.

"That's what I said!"

LITTLE VITO ON ENGLISH

Little Vito goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today, we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Little Vito says, "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Little Vito, that's a mouthful"

Little Vito says, "No, Miss Rogers. You're thinking of a blow-job."

LITTLE VITO ON GRAMMAR

Little Vito was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a pee!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, VITO, that is NOT the proper word to use in

this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use

The word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Vito, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE VITO ON MORE GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice correctly. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it"

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautiful."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!"

Then the teacher reluctantly called on Little Vito. He said, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just fuking beautiful!"

LITTLE VITO ON GETTING OLDER

Little Vito was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said to him, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Vito replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Vito answered, "No He minded his own fuking business".

Edited May 16, 2007 by mtbrider

[mtbrider]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pis$ed

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway

that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought

the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Edited May 18, 2007 by mtbrider

[DHC09]

A boy and his mother are watching a Discovery channel program about elephants. He asks his mom, "Hey, mom... what is that thing?"

She replies, "That's the elephant's trunk."

"No, not that," says the boy, "that thing right there."

"That's his tail," she answered.

"No, what is that thing... right in the middle?"

Flustered, the mother says, "Ummm, that's... that's nothing, son."

So the boy's mother quickly leaves the room and his dad walks in. The boy asks his dad, "Hey pop, what's that thing?"

His father answers, "Son, that's the elephant's p3nis."

The boy looks at his old man with a puzzled look and asks, "Well, why did mom say it was nothing?"

His father turned to him and said, "Because your mother is spoiled, son."

[mtbrider]

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those

of you not in the know, Eromanga is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in

the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that

the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in

bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta

get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta

do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya

uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack -

nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's

lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks

or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon

and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on

a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in

the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep

getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a

bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya

like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize

cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself

comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of *****!! You don't even

load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have

to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when

you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real

careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and

Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at

home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best

the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from

the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles

across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone

wringin' wet,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to

the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before

word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

[TRDgirl]

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?", demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom, and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned. "You mean I'm dead? That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away."

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen. How are you enjoying your first day here?

" It's not so bad," replied Brian, "but I have this strange feeling Inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've Never laid an egg before."

"Never," replied Brian.

"Well, just relax and let it happen."

And so he did, and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg popped out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the Better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was Overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,

"Brian! Wake up, you drunk *****, you're sh*tting the bed."

[pujo]

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?", demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom, and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned. "You mean I'm dead? That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away."

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen. How are you enjoying your first day here?

" It's not so bad," replied Brian, "but I have this strange feeling Inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've Never laid an egg before."

"Never," replied Brian.

"Well, just relax and let it happen."

And so he did, and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg popped out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the Better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was Overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,

"Brian! Wake up, you drunk *****, you're sh*tting the bed."

nyahahahahahhaha

[mtbrider]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet."

"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture. There's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...everyimaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Eet EES a bacon tree!"

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?; We ees in the Desert don't forget."

"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that ...Luis races toward the tree.

He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when

all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks.

It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man,you was right...ees not a bacon tree."

"Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...

Ees..........

Ees...

Ees.........

Ees....

... Eees a Ham Bush!"

[RoLLing BLK]

A young guy from Frankston moves to Melbourne and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Frankston .”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says “one”.

The boss says “Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”

The kid says, “$101,237.65.”

The boss says, “$101,237.65! What the heck did you sell?”

The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Pleasure Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 .”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?”

The kid said, “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot — you should go fishing!’”

[mtbrider]

The man who walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney.I heard prostitutes there get paid

$400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night, on her

way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing

his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm

coming too, I want to see how you live on $800 a year".

[mtbrider]

Two priests decided to go to A Hawaiian vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop-dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini

came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said

"Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,"

nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests??

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time,

came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said

"Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,

"Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?"?

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

She replied,

"Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."

[DHC09]

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years hey had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, Loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she Had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the Therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, Embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week….Can you do this?” The husband thought for a moment and replied; “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf!

[OZROLA]

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces

himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of

aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to

them,a

single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and

pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,

spotlessly clean.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring

back

at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love

you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and

the

morning newspaper. His son is also at the table,eating.

Jack asks "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke

some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you

ran

into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose,

and

breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies,"Oh THAT!

Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your

trousers

off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, you tart, I'm married!

Broken furniture £85.26

Hot Breakfast £4.20

Red rosebud £3.00

Two Aspirins £0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........

P r I c e l e s s !!

For everything else........................................get back to

work!!

Lol this is not a joke but irection it will make you fellas laugh anyway. I did a very similar thing at my high school girl friends 18th (except i said the wrong thing at the wrong time). We broke up on the last day of schoolies by the way. Now to give you an idea about this girl, she was tall, blone, brown skin, long legs, size 8, with a size twelve bikini top (:D). (lol i was lucky, she grew intoherself, she didn't start out that way)

Anyways, it was about 2am and by this stage i had had a few to drink. LEts say i was a bit drunk, well drunk... no i cant lie, i was tanked! Anyways, i spotted this b-e-a-utiful looking lass in the back yard (she had a 5 acre property so this was quite an achievement in my current state) I began to make a very retarded bee line for this girl. I somehow forgot to make small talk and some how i tried to convince her to hook up with me, and told her not to worry, my gf would never find out! lol

BTW im not a cheater, but i dont rather strange this when im drunk lol inexplicably strange things

[OZROLA]

Dont think this one has been said

Pretend Husband and Wife Jokes

Through a scheduling mix up, a man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. It's late, the train is full, and everyone else is already asleep. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

[OZROLA]

Season Ticket

Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said.

[OZROLA]

A Loving Wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

[OZROLA]

Wife Golden Urinals

The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.

"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold."

She said she didn't believe him so she called the bar.

"Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question: "Are your urinals covered in gold?"

To which she heard the bartender said, "Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who ****** in your saxophone."