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JOKES !!!!


Danthuyer

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:D Let me get things started... Enjoy!

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila." The Genie grants him his wish.

When the Mexican gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So, he takes a sip and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuela, Consuela, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila. Consuela is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted.

The two drank and partied all night. The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife,"Consuela grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Mexican begins to fill the glass and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?" Pancho raised the glass and says, "Because tonight, mi amor, you drink from the bottle!!"

Arriba !!! :D Now where is that Genie...

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:P And Another...Dating in 1957

It's the summer of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"

"That's cool," Bobby says. Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby Replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in-movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, "Whaaaaaaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "we know that Peggy Sue really likes to screw, why she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little Poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Bobby.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

"DAMMIT DADDY!"

"THE TWIST......IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!"

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A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders

mating, she said to her father,

"What do you call the spider on top daddy?" she asked. "That's a daddy

longlegs." her father answered.

"So, the other one is a mummy longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No"

her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped

them flat.

"Well, we're not having THAT sort of poofta **** in our garden!"

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Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then

they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to

eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and

told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders

and then exchanged sandwiches.

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Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other,

"Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to

lose my f***ing ****."

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.

Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied,

"If I don't sell more **** this month, I'm going to lose my f***ing car."

Edited by shaohaok
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A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I\'m smarter than she is ! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had enough.

She took Johnny to the principal's office.

While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Johnny: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks: says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Johnny both agree.

Ms Brooks: asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Johnny:, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Johnny: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: What starts with a C and ends with a T is hairy,oval,and delicious and

contains thin whitish liquid?

Johnny: Coconut

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The

principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

But Johnny was taking charge.

Johnny: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Johnny: Shake hands.

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Johnny: Tent.

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

Johnny: Wedding Ring.

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Johnny: Nose.

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Johnny: Arrow.

Ms Brooks: What word starts with 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?

Johnny: Fire truck.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,"Send Johnny to University, I

got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

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Love at first sight

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady,

"I know just what you're wanting, for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old guy.

"Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair.

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WHY MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

(What do you expect from such simple creatures!?)

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just, too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Gray hair is considered distinguished.

Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

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Koala & Hooker

A Koala Bear and a Hooker go back to her place and they get undressed. The

koala bear goes down on the hooker for 3 hours straight.

She has multiple orgasms!!! After 3 hours he stops, comes all over her tummy, gets up and puts on his little koala clothes.

The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion. “Oh ***, that was great! Now I need my money” The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs. Then the hooker says, “No, I need my money. I’m a hooker and this is how I make a living.” The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a Dictionary and thumbs through it to ”hooker.” She hands it to the koala bear and it reads: “HOOKER: person who has sex for money.” Then the koala bear turns the page to “koala bear” and walks out the door.

The hooker reads: “KOALA BEAR: Eats Bush, Roots, shoots, and Leaves “

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what has 4 legs, is brown and green & can kill you if it falls out of a tree ????

A billiard table :P

PS - TREV i love your joke

If we're stooping that low then...

What's brown and sticky....??

...a stick :P

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Thought I'd bring this one forward from a previous post in case you missed it.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss one in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper. His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful - isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

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Where do women have short black curly hair?

Fiji!

What does michael jackson and a cheeseburger have in common?

Both have 30 odd year old buns with an eight year old piece of meat in between!

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Whats the difference between Michael Jackson & a Shopping Bag...???

One White and made from plastic and is danderous to children, while the other carries your groceries...

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