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JOKES !!!!


Danthuyer

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A 70 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.

"Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

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A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you b*stards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you b*stards who are getting on, get your ***** in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, " For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pis*sed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bi**tch in the Kitchen."

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A man took his wife to the State Fair

and one of the exhibits was that of breeding bulls. They come up to the

first pen and there is a sign that says "This Bull mated 50 times last

year." The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says "He mated 50

times last year." They walked a little further and see another pen with

a sign that says "This Bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hits

her husband and says "That' s more than twice a week! You could learn a

lot from him." They walk further and a third pen has a Bull with a sign

saying "This Bull mated 365 times last year." The wife gets really

excited and says " That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something

from this one." The husband looks at her and says.... "Go up and ask him

if it was with the same cow

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A teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.' "

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten 8."

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A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some

horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was

going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging

over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only

about 100 yards."

Is that when you swore?"

No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the

Bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an

Eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and

began to fly away!"

Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it

flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap,

rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the f**king putt,

didn't you?

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A Lawyer met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500.

In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment." In order to get a Tax deduction

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a cheque for $250.00 instead with an attached a note:

"Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1. It had never been occupied.

2. There was plenty of heat.

3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately replied:

"Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if u didn't bring enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord! I will expect full payment due immediately or will be forced to hire someone to remove your furniture."

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THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER…

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday

8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and

croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by

thoughtful partner

9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil

10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer

10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition,

blow wave

12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café

12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained

17 kgs

1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit

3:00 Nap

4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from

secret admirer

4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets

to work on such a perfect body

5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe

7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments

received from other diners/ dancers

10:00 Hot shower- alone

10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen

11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM…

6:00 Alarm

6:15 Blow job

6:30 Massive, satisfying **** while reading the sports section

7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by naked,

buxom wench who bends over a lot

7:30 Limo arrives

7:45 Several beers en route to the airport

9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet

9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)

9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)

11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon

12:15 Blow job

12:30 Play back nine (4 under)

2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)

2:30 Fly to Bahamas

3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude

who also bend over a lot

4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle

5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson

(bending over, naturally)

6:45 ****, shower and shave

7:00 Watch news—Michael Jackson assassinated

7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy

fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits

9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV

as you watch football game

9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies

11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer

11:30 Night-cap blow job

11:45 In bed alone

11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forcesthe dog to leave the room

11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

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THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER…

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday

8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and

                croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by 

                thoughtful partner

9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil

10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer

10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition,

                blow wave

12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café

12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained

17 kgs

1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit

3:00 Nap

4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from

                secret admirer

4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets

                to work on such a perfect body

5:30  Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe

7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments

                received from other diners/ dancers

10:00 Hot shower- alone

10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen

11:00  Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM…

6:00 Alarm

6:15 Blow job

6:30 Massive, satisfying **** while reading the sports section

7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by naked,

                buxom wench who bends over a lot

7:30 Limo arrives

7:45 Several beers en route to the airport

9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet

9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)

9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)

11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon

12:15  Blow job

12:30 Play back nine (4 under)

2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)

2:30 Fly to Bahamas

3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude

                who also bend over a lot

4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle

5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson

                (bending over, naturally)

6:45 ****, shower and shave

7:00 Watch news—Michael Jackson assassinated

7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy

                fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits

9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV

                as you watch football game

9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies

11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer

11:30 Night-cap blow job

11:45 In bed alone

11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forcesthe dog          to leave the room

11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

HAHAHAHAHA mtbrider, mate you are a champion with these sexual stereotype jokes. They are so funny, because they are so true!

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Three ducks walked into a bar.

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

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At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth last night, George W. Bush turned to the Queen and said: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom." The Queen replied "I'm sorry Mr. Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King." George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?" To which the Queen replied. "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Bush." George thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?" The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied "Sorry again, Mr. Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor." Before George W could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country"

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A guy walks into a doctor's office with a steering wheel lodged in his pants. The doctor looks up at him and says “mate do you realise that you have a steering wheel stuck in your pants. The bloke looks at the doctor and says "yeah doc I know, the bloody thing is driving me nuts

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?

A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What's the difference between your paychequeand your *****?

A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheque

Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete?

A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?

A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead?

A. Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger

Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

A. Give it a nipple.

Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?

A. So, when you pull their tits they won't **** on the floor.

Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there

Q. What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?

A. "Will I really drown if you take your finger out?"

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Think before creating your domain name

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It sounded like a good idea at the time...

The following domains are real.

Firstly there is Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and

famous: http://www.whorepresents.com

Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can

exchange advice and views: http://www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island: http://www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try: http://www.therapistfinder.com

Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:

http://www.molestationnursery.com

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The Redneck Love Poem

Susie Lee done fell in love;

She planned to marry Joe.

She was so happy 'bout it all

She told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie gal,

You'll have to find another.

I'd just as soon yo' ma don't know,

But Joe is yo' half brother.

So Susie put aside her Joe

And planned to marry will,

But after telling pappy this,

He said, "there's trouble still.

You can't marry will, my gal,

And please don't tell you' mother,

But will and Joe, and several mo'

I know is yo' half brother.

But mama knew and said, my child,

Just do what makes yo' happy.

Marry will or marry Joe.

You ain't no kin to pappy

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Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was

born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family

was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with

him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about

the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the

spanking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Little Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful

baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Little Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful

little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

"Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.

The mother proudly replied, "Yes... we are so thankful, the Doctor

said he will have 20/20 vision"

Little Johnny replied, "That's great....cuz he'd be f*cked if he

needed glasses."

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Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately ad a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tilly, Bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

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A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Marge referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

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Americans ?????

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily but she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and theTwins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!

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