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JOKES !!!!


Danthuyer

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1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female...... Any part under a car's hood.

Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.

Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

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  • 2 weeks later...

A professor at university was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Heck! From way back there I thought you said "Goats!"

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A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!"

Then he got a little panicky."I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"

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A public servant, on his way home from work in Canberra traffic came to a dead halt and thought to himself, "This is unusual." He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"

The officer replied, "The Prime Minister is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends. So we're taking up a collection for him."

The public servant asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replies, "About 200 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

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For the cricket fans

Q. What does Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?

A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason

Q. What is the height of optimism?

A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.

Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball

almost always takes a wicket?

A. a bat.

Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?

A. An allrounder.

Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones

have over the rest of their team-mates?

A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?

A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?

A. a bowler.

Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English

batsmen?

A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?

A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?

A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?

A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. What's the English version of LBW?

A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English

team?

A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.

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I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'magic`.

Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!!

"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!

She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled...................

So I told her to f%@k off.

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Read below first before opening picture!!!!

Three guys are sitting in a bar.

The first bloke says "I bought my wife something which goes from 0 to 100

in 6 seconds"

The other 2 guys don't know what he's talking about so he reveals, "I

bought her a nice Porsche"

The second guy says: "I bought my wife something which goes from 0 to 100

in 4 seconds"

One of the others, who knows his cars, answers, "That HAS to be a Ferrari -

right?"

"Yeah that's right! I bought my wife a nice red Ferrari"

The third one says "I bought my wife something which goes from 0 to 100 in

just 2 seconds."

"THAT CANT BE - The Ferrari is the fastest car in the world?!"

"Well - it's not a car," he answers.

Can you guess what it was he bought her? See the attached picture.

post-485-1123238059_thumb.jpg

Edited by gOODbOYz
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A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had

the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"

The Italian says, "We have the Colosseum"

The Greek says "We had great Mathematicians"

The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire" and so on and so on and

then:

The Greek Says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian says, "That's true, but it was the Italians who

introduced

it to

women " :huh:

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The Arithmetic of a Cool Beer

Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's a bit of fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to have a drink. (try for more than once)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be honest)

3. Add 5. (for Sunday)

4. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the calculator................

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1755.... If you haven't, add 1754 ...

6. Now subtract the four-digit year that you were born.

You should have a three-digit number.

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have a drink a week).

The next two numbers are .......YOUR AGE!

Note: THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONLY YEAR IT WILL EVER WORK

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The Arithmetic of a Cool Beer

Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's a bit of fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to have a drink. (try for more than once)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be honest)

3. Add 5. (for Sunday)

4. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the calculator................

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1755.... If you haven't, add 1754 ...

6. Now subtract the four-digit year that you were born.

You should have a three-digit number.

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have a drink a week).

The next two numbers are .......YOUR AGE!

Note: THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONLY YEAR IT WILL EVER WORK

WOW!!!! I'll Be Darned....

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Just thought i post this for the fun of it guys :lol:

This is quite good.... by the way, when you forward this in a new

email,do a spell check & see what gets picked up...amazing!!!

Typoglycemia : Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it

or not

you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at

Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a

wrod

are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in

the

rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a

porbelm. Tihs

is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the

wrod as

a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

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  • 3 weeks later...

A guy goes into a bar, where he sees a smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says "Hi there, beautiful, how's it going?"

She turns around facing him; looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat love it."

"No kidding?" said the man. "I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

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  • 3 weeks later...

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00

for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking

that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate

downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what

he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book

which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him

certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that

they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged

him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million

Her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,

"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

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You need to do the Italian accent as it's spelt

Maria was taking to her mother and advised her she was marrying Nick.

Her mother replied “You meana Nick the Greek. There is noa waya dat an Italian girl is gunna marry a Greek. We dishone a you and me anna you father will nota come to da wedding and we a neva cumma your house.”

Well Maria did marry Nick and the mother and father never went to the wedding or came to her house.

Six months later mumma received a call from Maria who advised she was leaving Nick.

Mumma said “Youa waita dare I a be over to picker you up”

Well mumma got there and Maria was waiting out side.

Mumma said “Maria whosa big house is dis” Maria said that’s Nicks

Mumma said “Maria whosa fast car is dat” Maria said that’s Nicks

Mumma said “Maria whosa bigga boat is dat” Maria said that’s Nicks

Mumma said “Maria whya you wanna leave a Nick

Well Maria explained when she was first married her ar$e was the size of a five cent piece and now six months later it was now the size of a fifty cent piece.

Mumma said “Maria are youa stupid youa gunna givea all dis up for forty five a cents”

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Who's the Father

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: (They are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check Applicant number 11. She takes the prize.

Applicant Number 01:

Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

Applicant Number 02:

I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

Applicant Number 03:

I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

Applicant Number 04:

I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

Applicant Number 05:

I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is ***** risen again.

Applicant Number 06:

I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

Applicant Number 07:

I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

Applicant Number 08:

Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

Applicant Number 09:

From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

Applicant Number 10:

So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.

Applicant Number 11:

I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

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Craig someone has to be the class clown and tell the jokes. I have taken it upon myself to be that person.

Quirky Answering Machine Messages (supposedly true)

1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here, so leave a message.

3. Speak.

4. Hi, Now you say something.

5. Hi, I'm not at home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6. Hello. I'm Donna's answering machine. What are you?

7. (From Japanese friend) He-lo! This is Santo. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave "sexy message," I call you sooner!

8. Hi! Jane's answering machine is broken. This is her refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

9. Hello, You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give charity through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you're still with us, leave a message and we'll get back to you.

10. This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

11. Hi. I am probably home. I'm avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

12. Hi, this is Mary. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

13. If you are a burglar, then we're at home cleaning our assault weapons right now and can't answer the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it is safe to leave us a message.

14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

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Cricket in Heaven

Two ninety year old men, Nev and Vic, have been friends all their lives.

It seems that Vic is dying, and so Nev comes to visit him every day.

"Vic," says Nev, "You know how we have both loved cricket all our

lives, and how we played together for so many years. Vic, you have

to do me one favour.

When you get to Heaven, and I know you will be going to Heaven,

somehow you've got to let me know if there's cricket in Heaven."

Vic looks up at Nev from his death bed, and says, "Nev, you've been my

best friend many years. This favour, if it is at all possible, I'll do for

you."

And shortly after that, Vic passes on. It is midnight a couple of nights

later. Nev is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of

white light and a voice calls out to him, "Nev....Nev...."

"Who is it?" says Nev sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Nev, it's me, Vic."

"Come on. You're not Vic. Vic just died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Vic!"

"Vic ? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Vic , "and I've got to tell you, I've got really

good news and a little bad news."

"So, tell me the good news first," says Nev.

"The good news is that there is cricket in heaven. Better yet, all our

old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young

men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows.

And best of all, we can play cricket all we want, and we never get tired!"

"Really?" says Nev, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond

my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?"

"You're opening the batting next Tuesday".

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A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation . . .

(She is speaking in a cheery voice)

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

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Especially for Craig

Computer Problems Dealt With By Technical Support Over the Telephone

Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?

Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?

Customer: Yeah....

Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?

Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....

Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one...

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

Tech support: Click on the 'My Computer' icon on the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on "Start" for me and...

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it!

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work

Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter ' a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

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