JOKES !!!!

[OZROLA]

English Cricketer

A distraught woman rushed into a Police Station claiming she had been raped.

The Desk Sergeant calmed her down and asked her to provide details. She

told him that it was a man of average height dressed in white and that he

was wearing protective pads on his legs and forearms, additionally he

had on a helmet and gloves.

"That sounds as if the man was a cricketer" observed the policeman.

"Oh yes he was" replied the woman, "and what's more he was an Englishman".

"I suppose you guessed that because of his accent " said the Sergeant.

"No" the woman said, "it was because he didn't stay in very long."

[OZROLA]

Beautiful Blonde

A bloke is trolling through King's Cross (Sydney, Australia) one night when he's approached by this delicious bird. Beautiful blonde hair, curves to make your mouth water and long, long legs, reachiing all the way down to the ground.

"Hundred and fifty dollars," she says in a low, husky voice that makes the bloke's hair stand on end. And other parts of him, too.

"Only $150 and I'll do whatever you want. On one condition."

"What's that?" asks the bloke.

"Whatever you want for $150," says the blonde, "but you must say it in no more than three words."

"You're on," says the bloke, handing over $150.

"Great," breathes the blonde, "Now, in three words - what do you want me to do?"

And the bloke says: "Paint my house."

[OZROLA]

What a Man hears

What a Woman Says:

"This place is a mess! C'mon,

You and I need to clean up.

Your stuff is lying on the floor,

and if we don't do laundry right now

you'll have no clothes to wear."

What a Man Hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON

blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I

blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR

blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES.

[OZROLA]

If Men Got Pregnant

Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.

There would be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.

And women would have to shut the **** up and deal with it

[OZROLA]

If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

Rule # 1

Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2

If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule # 3

If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 4

It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 5

Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Rule # 6

Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Rule # 7

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

Rule # 8

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 9

Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 10

When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

[OZROLA]

Good or Bad News

*** was talking to Adam and asked Adam which he wanted first, the good news or the bad news.

Adam chose the good news.

*** told him he had made something for him: it would never wear out, it was warm and slick, it felt good, and would give a tremendous amount of pleasure in his lifetime.

Adam said that is great and asked what could possibly be the bad news.

*** said that he put a woman in charge of it.

[OZROLA]

Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

A: She starts the sentance with "A man once told me..."

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?

A: That's not the point, what's she doing out of the kitchen?

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured outwomen?

A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

A: Who gives a damn, not our job

[OZROLA]

The Offer

A man and a woman were guests at a party. They had been eyeing each other all night. Finally, the man walked up to the woman and asked, "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"

"Well yes!" answered the woman.

The man replied, "Would you sleep with me for a dollar?"

"Of course not!" replied the woman, horrified. "What kind of woman do you think I am?"

"I've already established that, ma'am," said the man. "Now I'm just trying to settle on a price."

[CjRasmu]

All GOLD

[D'Ice]

lol hahahaha...

Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out

crackup...

[BLKVVTIL]

"Parents"

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a

successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and

Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now

he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best

friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and

joy. He started working for a big airline, he then went to flight school to

become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns

the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a

brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best

universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction

company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice

and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot

mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from

the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the

successes of our sons....What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a

stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame...what a

disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.

And he's lucky, too. His birthday just passed and the other day he received

a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the

line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

[OZROLA]

BAHA! homosowned ^^

[OZROLA]

Female hormones in beer

Submitted by [iippo]

Harvard scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a

1-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1.) Gained weight

2.) Talked excessively without making sense

3.) Became overly emotional

4.) Couldn't drive

5.) Failed to think rationally

6.) Argued over nothing

7.) Had to sit down while urinating

8.) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong

[OZROLA]

the japanese have invented a camera so quick it can take pictures of women with their mouth shut!!!!!

[OZROLA]

A few minutes before the titanic sinks a women who knows she is going to die takes of all her clothing and yells out…

“who here is man enough to make me feel like a real woman?”

A man onboard puts his hand up and says…

“I am!”

He removes his shirt and says…

“Here, iron this.”

[OZROLA]

This was posted by a girl on another site... Just posted it to show you how NOT funny women can really be

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man’s head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. “Hello?” she cried, but no answer. “Is there anyone here?” she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, “Hello! Is there anyone there?!” Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away… “We’re down here.”

BAHA! ^

[DHC09]

You don't like the girls much do you OZROLA?

Heres one for the ladies:

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!

The woman chose to ignore her husbands comments.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.

He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-a55 grill for one little weenie?"

[OZROLA]

baha! nah i do, they just shouldn't try to be funny, and the whole liberated woman thing ****s me something chronic. I grew up in a house of women who laughed when a male made an effort, yelled when they didn't and blamed everyone but themselves when they ****** up... Then again, anyone like that pisses me off, it just so happens that its mostly women

[ChArMs_RT142]

The Damned Egg

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.

The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"

[ChArMs_RT142]

The Christmas Parrot

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

[ChArMs_RT142]

Some funny comics

[skriblez]

Be Careful What You Wish For

An extremely muscly man walks into a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says “wow you’re the biggest guy I’ve seen in my entire life, but why do you have such a small head?”

He replies “funny story that, one day I was walking along the beach and I stumbled upon a lamp. As I dusted the sand off a beautiful Genie popped out. I was so surprised to see her and was even more stunned on how beautiful she looked. She said to me that I could have ANY 3 wishes. I thought hard and in order to impress her I wished to be in great physical shape hoping it would impress her. A large puff of smoke and my body was perfect!. Thinking real hard about my next 2 wishes, I figured I could wish for whatever I wanted, so I asked her to make passionate love with me and to ensure it was the best I’ve ever had. It went on for days and I felt that everything was complete. As the two of us lay there she mentions that I still had one more wish. Thinking hard I asked What about a little head?”

[skriblez]

Wrong Email

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out

during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same

hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic

schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with

his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in

his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he

accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his

error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned

home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to

glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email

expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first

message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the

room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which

read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers

here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've

just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been

prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

[skriblez]

Wifes Box

An item listed on Ebay

Read the comments below

[corona force]

even Kiwis will like this one

An Australian, a Newzealander, a swedish woman with big breasts and an elderly lady were riding on a train

Not long after the journey started the train went through a dark tunnel

then all of a sudden everyone heard a SMACK

when the train exited the tunnel the Kiwi fella was holding the side of his face

The Kiwi said to himself that the aussie bloke must have gropped the swedish chick and she thought it was me and slapped me

The old lady thought that he must have tried to grope the swedish girl and she slapped him

The swedish girl thought that he must have tried to grope her and got the old lady instead and she slapped him

The Aussie block smirked to himself and said 'I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that Kiwi again'

Edited August 4, 2007 by corona force