JOKES !!!!

[mtbrider]

Stating the Obvious?

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:

1. on a blanket from Taiwan -

NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. on a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -

REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. on a Taiwanese shampoo -

USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. on the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -

AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. on a New Zealand insect spray -

THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED on ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -

TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.

(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. on a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -

LIE DOWN on BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -

OPEN OTHER END.

9. on a packet of Sunmaid raisins -

WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. on a Sears hairdryer -

DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. on a bag of Fritos -

YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

(The shoplifter special!)

12. on a bar of Dial soap -

DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

(And that would be how?)

13. on Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -

DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

(Too late! You lose!)

14. on Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -

PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

15. on a Korean kitchen knife -

WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

16. on a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -

FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

(As opposed to use in outer space?)

17. on a Japanese food processor -

NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

(Now I'm curious.)

18. on Sainsbury's peanuts -

WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.

(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

19. on an American Airlines packet of nuts -

INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

(I'm glad they cleared that up.)

20. on a Swedish chainsaw -

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

21. on a child's superman costume -

WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

22. on some frozen dinners -

SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. on a hotel provided shower cap in a box -

FITS ON HEAD.

24. on packaging for a Rowenta iron -

DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. on Boot's "Children's" cough medicine -

DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. on Nightly sleep aid -

WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

[oodee]

Blondes Revenge

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000.00 on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed,

"YES! YES!

I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers starred at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them ! asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[mtbrider]

HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED WHY MEN LIE..

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a

river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed

the axe to make his living. The Lord went down in the water and

reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your

axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your

axe?" the Lord asked.

"Yes", he replied. The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave

him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the

riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord

again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife

has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came

up with Angelina Jolie.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is

misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You

would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no'

to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you

would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to

take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want

her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina

Jolie."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and

honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife!

That's our story, and we're sticking to it..

[mtbrider]

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mum always says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

[mtbrider]

It was a sunny Friday morning on the first hole of a busy course and I

was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot, when a

piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.

"Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee

please!"

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in

my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the

announcement, "Would that MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the

MEN'S tee."

I simply ignored the announcement and kept concentrating, when once

more, the man yelled: "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee back up to the

MEN'S tee, PLEASE!"

Finally, I stopped, turned and looked through the clubhouse window

directly at the person with the mike. I cupped my hands and shouted

back, "Would the c*nt in the clubhouse kindly shut the f*ck up and let

me play my second shot?"

[mtbrider]

Mr Honda of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation died and went to heaven for

judgment.

At the gates, St. Peter told him, "since you've been such a good man and

your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang

out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang

out with ***. I have a question for Him."

St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to ***.

Mr. Honda then asked ***, "Aren't you the inventor of women?"

*** Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am".

"Well," said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some

major design flaws in your design:

1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and have excessive wobble.

4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.

5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and I

don't even wanna start talking about the maintenance costs.

"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied ***, "Lets have a wee

look."

*** went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and

waited for the results. After a moment *** said, "Well, it may be true

that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers,

more men are riding my invention than yours..."

[mtbrider]

So you applied your hungry mouth without any guilt or humiliation.

As I lie on my bed thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly in the stillness.

What happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you lay on my naked body... You sensed my indifference, you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone.

I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to the night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I'll stay awake waiting for you...

Bloody mosquito!

[mtbrider]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Boss I no come work today, I real sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon..... You got nice house."

[mtbrider]

DORMITORY:

When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:

When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:

When you rearrange the letters:

MOON STARER

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:

When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:

When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:

When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:

When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:

When you rearrange the letters:

LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:

When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:

When you rearrange the letters:

IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:

When you rearrange the letters

(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):

TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

[mtbrider]

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule.

When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments."

After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him, "I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it."

Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your mind?"

Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I remembered where I left my old hat!"

[CORZZA]

Proof that hondas can win races!

[CORZZA]

Two young lovers!

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" To that she replies "Well, come here and I'll warm them between my legs." He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

[CORZZA]

Fernando Alonsos prize for becoming the youngest ever F1 Champion

[CORZZA]

ANY ONE SEEN GOOFY???

[mtbrider]

An adorable little girl, all blonde curls and blue eyes walks into a pet

shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:

"Excuthe me mither, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts and he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level and asks:

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, blushing, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans over and says

"I don't fink my python weally givth a phuck"

[CORZZA]

LOL! good one mate!

[mtbrider]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a 4-hour operation.

A young nurse appears in his room to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his peni$ in one hand and his testicles in the other hand, takes a close look and says

"There's nothing wrong with them!"

The man removes his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was really nice, but listen very, very closely,

"Are...my...test...results...back?"

Edited November 16, 2005 by mtbrider

[mtbrider]

A young girl living in Tasmania recently received a "Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home in Brisbane. It read as follows:

Dear Jane

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me I sent to you.

Love, John

Jane, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of John, Jane included all the other pictures of the pretty lads she had collected from her buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope . . . . along with this note:

Dear John,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are. Please take your picture from the pile and send the rest back to me.

Take care, Jane

[CORZZA]

THIS IS AN ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 - CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling," and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident ... " I just lost it.'

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

[CORZZA]

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ***** and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive *****.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN!

[CORZZA]

Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't

seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard

for someadvice. Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing

them old

baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer.

They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of

Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down

inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking

new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was

disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and

laughing,

looking sick! So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and

asked him, "What's wrong now?"

JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard, "Mate. The potato goes in front!"

[mtbrider]

Australian School Life...

Little Chedda was at school this morning in the Australian outback and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out, Cook,Brickie,Truckie, Chippy, Captain of a warship etc, but Chedda was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Chedda aside to ask him if that was really true?

"No" said Chedda, "He plays footy for the Parramatta EELs but I was just too embarrassed to say."

[smt_007]

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have

it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very

serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your

life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book

me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well," says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very

slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading

towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as

me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I

would like to be circumcised." Steve stared at him in horror and screamed,

"****! THAT'S the word!?

[mtbrider]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examination room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby and determined that it had a fever and was also hungry.

The doctor inquired as to whether the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast fed," the woman replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist", the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneeded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

After stopping to take some notes, he pressed, kneeded and pinched both breasts some more.

Finally he stopped, took more notes, and told her, 'No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."

"I know" she said, "I'm his Auntie, but I'm glad I came!.

[mtbrider]

A blonde phones the fire brigade and says 'Can you please come quick, my house is on fire and will be gone if you don't save it!'

The fireman asks "How do we get there?"

"Hellloooooo", the blonde replies, "In the fu*#!ing big red truck"