mtbrider

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Boss I no come work today, I real sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon..... You got nice house."

So you applied your hungry mouth without any guilt or humiliation. As I lie on my bed thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly in the stillness. What happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you lay on my naked body... You sensed my indifference, you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to the night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I'll stay awake waiting for you... Bloody mosquito!

Mr Honda of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation died and went to heaven for judgment. At the gates, St. Peter told him, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with ***. I have a question for Him." St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to ***. Mr. Honda then asked ***, "Aren't you the inventor of women?" *** Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am". "Well," said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your design: 1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. 2- It chatters constantly at high speeds. 3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and have excessive wobble. 4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. 5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and I don't even wanna start talking about the maintenance costs. "Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied ***, "Lets have a wee look." *** went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results. After a moment *** said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours..."

It was a sunny Friday morning on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please!" I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would that MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the MEN'S tee." I simply ignored the announcement and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee back up to the MEN'S tee, PLEASE!" Finally, I stopped, turned and looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike. I cupped my hands and shouted back, "Would the c*nt in the clubhouse kindly shut the f*ck up and let me play my second shot?"

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mum always says". The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?" The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED WHY MEN LIE.. One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. "Yes", he replied. The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie." The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife! That's our story, and we're sticking to it..

My team got 13th in the Masters Men out of 52 teams. Our worst result in 6 years as the runner was a fill in and ran about 7 mins slower than we would want. I was in the top 20 something % of about a 800 team riders

Just got back from doing the Teams event at Noosa and did the bike leg. Riding time for the 40klms was 1hour 6 mins. The ride goes from Noosa up the Cooroy range (old road) out to Cooroy and back to Noosa and it was raining most of the way. Thats a bit over 36klms per hour - not bad for an old f art like me. Top speed down the hill in the wet was 73kph I'm a wussy (a lot were hitting 80- 90+).

Craig . Hopefully the rear skirt is also damaged and you don't have to take to it with a hammer. Get a new one without the dodgy exhaust cut out and bend the tip down.

Stating the Obvious? In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products: 1. on a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO. 2. on a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU. 3. on a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE. 4. on the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. 5. on a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED on ANIMALS. 6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.) 7. on a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN on BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET. 8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END. 9. on a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL? 10. on a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. 11. on a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!) 12. on a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?) 13. on Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!) 14. on Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.) 15. on a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?) 16. on a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?) 17. on a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.) 18. on Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?) 19. on an American Airlines packet of nuts - INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.) 20. on a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?) 21. on a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!) 22. on some frozen dinners - SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST. 23. on a hotel provided shower cap in a box - FITS ON HEAD. 24. on packaging for a Rowenta iron - DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY. 25. on Boot's "Children's" cough medicine - DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY. 26. on Nightly sleep aid - WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

Maybe the new owner read about the corolla's Prado size wheel arches and tried a bit of 4wd' n

Americans ????? This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily but she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and theTwins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Damn women drivers!

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Marge referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately ad a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tilly, Bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

If they keep hasseling you when you have said no that's just stupid. I agree with that totally if that's what the post is about. So who ever you are just stop it.

Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Little Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny." Little Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny." "Can he see?" asked Little Johnny. The mother proudly replied, "Yes... we are so thankful, the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision" Little Johnny replied, "That's great....cuz he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses."

4000 Views doing well here. Do you all want me to keep em coming

You have to remember they don't know you. You are not offering a warranty so there is an element of risk. So they want it cheap nothing wrong with that. It's up to you to just say sorry that's not enough and try and talk them up.

The Redneck Love Poem Susie Lee done fell in love; She planned to marry Joe. She was so happy 'bout it all She told her pappy so. Pappy told her, Susie gal, You'll have to find another. I'd just as soon yo' ma don't know, But Joe is yo' half brother. So Susie put aside her Joe And planned to marry will, But after telling pappy this, He said, "there's trouble still. You can't marry will, my gal, And please don't tell you' mother, But will and Joe, and several mo' I know is yo' half brother. But mama knew and said, my child, Just do what makes yo' happy. Marry will or marry Joe. You ain't no kin to pappy

HDACHE I don't believe a word of that. But I like it

A guy walks into a doctor's office with a steering wheel lodged in his pants. The doctor looks up at him and says “mate do you realise that you have a steering wheel stuck in your pants. The bloke looks at the doctor and says "yeah doc I know, the bloody thing is driving me nuts Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine? A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later. Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other? A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN! Q. What's the difference between your paychequeand your *****? A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheque Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete? A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest. Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe? A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off! Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead? A. Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good? A. Give it a nipple. Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow? A. So, when you pull their tits they won't **** on the floor. Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there Q. What did the woman say to her swimming instructor? A. "Will I really drown if you take your finger out?"

Go Craig

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth last night, George W. Bush turned to the Queen and said: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom." The Queen replied "I'm sorry Mr. Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King." George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?" To which the Queen replied. "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Bush." George thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?" The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied "Sorry again, Mr. Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor." Before George W could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country"

Just got an invite to an apartment on the track for Sunday. Yes that's free free free entry and beer beer beer. Hope I can find my way home on the train.

Three ducks walked into a bar. "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck. "Huey," was the reply. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey. "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?" The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."