mtbrider

Toyota need to do something - a new Sportivo at least SNAPPING at the heels of the new-generation VW Golf GTi, the latest version of the Polo GTi will be revealed at the Tokyo motor show in a couple of weeks. Never previously sold in Australia but believed to be under consideration for local introduction, the hot Polo three-door uses a 1.8-litre turbocharged, five-valve four-cylinder engine to achieve a power output of 110kW, along with 229Nm of torque at 1950rpm. This is enough to propel it to 100km/h in 8.2 seconds, or about one second behind the manual-transmission version of the new Golf GTi. Quoted average fuel consumption is a miserly 7.8L/100km. The Polo unashamedly mimics the Audi-like "full-frame" grille of the Golf GTi and will undoubtedly often be mistaken for its bigger sibling on the road. It also gets Golf-style five-spoke alloy wheels with 205/45 R16 tyres, and a tighter suspension riding 15mm lower than the standard Polo. Like the Golf GTi, the Polo version acquires VW’s ESP electronic stability control system as well as ABS. Golf cues can also be found in the red brake calipers, integrated rear roof spoiler and deeper side skirts. Inside, the Polo GTi is equipped with sports seats in chequered cloth, while the steering wheel (with red stitching), shift lever and handbrake are leather-trimmed. Satin chrome finish features on the centre console and air vents as well as the floor pedals. As a direct competitor for the likes of Peugeot’s 206 GTi and Renault’s Clio Sport, the Polo GTi could be expected to sell in the mid-$30,000 bracket.

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FORD FOCUS XR5 THE Blue Oval has used Sydney to unveil a hot turbocharged performance version of its Focus, to be called the XR5. The XR5, which is essentially a rebadged version of the production Focus ST released at last month’s Frankfurt motor show, borrows its blown 2.5-litre fi ve-cylinder engine from the Volvo S40 and pops it into a fi ve-door Focus hatch. The 166kW/320Nm machine is mated to a six-speed manual, while the car’s overall height has been dropped 25mm and the fi rmer-riding suspension tuned for sportscar handling. The brakes have also been upgraded with larger callipers and pads for beefi er stopping power. Visually, the XR5 gets a discrete bodykit comprising a honeycomb grille, deeply recessed foglights and discreet hatch-mounted rear spoiler. The car rides on 18-inch alloys with lowprofi le high-performance tyres. Although Ford has not fi nalised pricing, expect the XR5 to go on sale next May with a possible price point of around $35,000-$40,000.

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER… 8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses 8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday 8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner 9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil 10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer 10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave 12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café 12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained 17 kgs 1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit 3:00 Nap 4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret admirer 4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body 5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe 7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/ dancers 10:00 Hot shower- alone 10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen 11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling 11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM… 6:00 Alarm 6:15 Blow job 6:30 Massive, satisfying **** while reading the sports section 7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot 7:30 Limo arrives 7:45 Several beers en route to the airport 9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet 9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route) 9:45 Play front nine (2 under par) 11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon 12:15 Blow job 12:30 Play back nine (4 under) 2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons) 2:30 Fly to Bahamas 3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot 4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle 5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson (bending over, naturally) 6:45 ****, shower and shave 7:00 Watch news—Michael Jackson assassinated 7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits 9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV as you watch football game 9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies 11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer 11:30 Night-cap blow job 11:45 In bed alone 11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forcesthe dog to leave the room 11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

Azza I'm glad you got that off your chest. With me it's the opposite. The BCC bus service is fantastic for me. There is a bus every 15 minutes all day everyday no time table needed. The bus is far cheaper and faster than the Sportivo to work ( I park 15 minutes walk away from the city and still pay $8 a day - probably very cheap to Sydneysiders). I just can't stand being seated next to people I don't know who breath over me (garlic fumes or bad breath) and cough over me and are fat and squeeze next to me and touch me YUK. I like my comforts and I'm just selfish I suppose. But that said when I need to drink after work I always catch the bus so it does come in handy plenty of times. And I just can't get enough of driving the Sportivo.

The school holidays are over and the traffic congestion still has not gotten back to where it was prior to the petrol price rises. The peak hour run to work is easy and no delays and even managing to hit lift at least a couple of times to and from work. Anyone else notice this or is it just a Brisvegas thing. The commuters at work are complaining the buses and trains are busier.

omn1potent wrote "My other vehicle(s) was a manual and it did have a dipstick, funny that." I've seen a lot of cars like this but mainly saw them in the front right hand seat.

Bet it costs as much as the recently ceased Monaro

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." Is that when you swore?" No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the Bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an Eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?

A teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.' " Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word fascinate." Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him. Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten 8."

A man took his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits was that of breeding bulls. They come up to the first pen and there is a sign that says "This Bull mated 50 times last year." The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says "He mated 50 times last year." They walked a little further and see another pen with a sign that says "This Bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hits her husband and says "That' s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walk further and a third pen has a Bull with a sign saying "This Bull mated 365 times last year." The wife gets really excited and says " That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one." The husband looks at her and says.... "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow

Found another one

Just recently completed the cycle epic arguably the hardest one day mountain bike race in Australia. Finished in 6h47m23sec. The race is 103klms with a couple of thousand metres of climbing thrown in (Laidleys Gap included). Some ridiculous hills both up and down some guys were clocked at over 90kph on a bit of bitumen downhill (the Devils tail) that turns into gravel at the bottom. I hit the dirt at over 70 k's myself. Here's a couple of pic's of me. Check out the $1800 5 inch travel front forks (So that's why there's no mods on the Sportivo

A 70 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No". The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

Especially for Craig Computer Problems Dealt With By Technical Support Over the Telephone Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong? Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right? Customer: Yeah.... Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using? Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen..... Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!! Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.... Tech support: Click on the 'My Computer' icon on the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Tech support: Would you click on "Start" for me and... Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it! Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... Customer: I have problems printing in red... Tech support: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah....................thank you. Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket. Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? Customer: I can't get on the Internet. Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter ' a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. Tech support: Are you running it under windows? Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine." Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: I don't have a P. Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob. Customer: What do you mean? Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob. Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation . . . (She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Cricket in Heaven Two ninety year old men, Nev and Vic, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Vic is dying, and so Nev comes to visit him every day. "Vic," says Nev, "You know how we have both loved cricket all our lives, and how we played together for so many years. Vic, you have to do me one favour. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will be going to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's cricket in Heaven." Vic looks up at Nev from his death bed, and says, "Nev, you've been my best friend many years. This favour, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you." And shortly after that, Vic passes on. It is midnight a couple of nights later. Nev is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Nev....Nev...." "Who is it?" says Nev sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Nev, it's me, Vic." "Come on. You're not Vic. Vic just died." "I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Vic!" "Vic ? Is that you? Where are you?" "I'm in heaven," says Vic , "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news." "So, tell me the good news first," says Nev. "The good news is that there is cricket in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play cricket all we want, and we never get tired!" "Really?" says Nev, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?" "You're opening the batting next Tuesday".

Craig someone has to be the class clown and tell the jokes. I have taken it upon myself to be that person. Quirky Answering Machine Messages (supposedly true) 1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. 2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here, so leave a message. 3. Speak. 4. Hi, Now you say something. 5. Hi, I'm not at home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. 6. Hello. I'm Donna's answering machine. What are you? 7. (From Japanese friend) He-lo! This is Santo. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave "sexy message," I call you sooner! 8. Hi! Jane's answering machine is broken. This is her refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. 9. Hello, You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give charity through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you're still with us, leave a message and we'll get back to you. 10. This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. 11. Hi. I am probably home. I'm avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. 12. Hi, this is Mary. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. 13. If you are a burglar, then we're at home cleaning our assault weapons right now and can't answer the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it is safe to leave us a message. 14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Who's the Father The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: (They are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check Applicant number 11. She takes the prize. Applicant Number 01: Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night. Applicant Number 02: I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. Applicant Number 03: I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks. Applicant Number 04: I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced. Applicant Number 05: I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is ***** risen again. Applicant Number 06: I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise. Applicant Number 07: I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket. Applicant Number 08: Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Applicant Number 09: From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom. Applicant Number 10: So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised. Applicant Number 11: I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Can't say I like paying so much for juice but I have noticed a real fall off in traffic (even accounting for school holidays) which has been great. Might need to get on the bike and ride it to work for training but still a bit suss on the traffic. Heard on the news that a motorist just pulled up beside a cyclists in Brissy yesterday and beat the ******* out of him just for the hell of it. Probably an innocent party receiving pay out for the high price of petrol. These people should just be locked up.

Silvabullit's getting the votes because he's handing out how to vote cards. PM wise of course. Bumping me up the list for the Dyno day got him my vote (and my son to Hockey on time) I'm surprised Craig's not getting the votes he's always popular. Come on vote for Craig

Thanks for the photo's I couldn't get them off my info to send them. Not bad for a Hyundai

HYUNDAI ACCENT SR HYUNDAI’S third-generation Accent made its world debut at the New York motor show in April and goes on sale here late this year. Now the South Korean giant has bolstered its all-new small car’s image by revealing a three-door turbo concept dubbed Accent SR. Barely recognisable in body-adorned, three-door guise, the SR demonstrates the performance potential of the new Accent by adding turbocharged performance, a tweaked chassis and go-fast looks. Accent SR features new front, rear and roof spoilers, side skirts, extended wheel arches, twin exhaust outlets, a bold shoulder crease, side air intakes and new headlight clusters. A lower and wider version of the new Accent’s MacPherson strut front and new torsion beam rear suspension and 18-inch alloy wheels with 225/40-section tyres further toughen its appearance. Inside, there is leather trim, aluminium pedals, a wraparound fascia (with eight-inch multimedia screen) and, for the fi rst time in an Accent, side airbags. Under the SR’s bonnet is a 2.0-litre turbocharged four-cylinder engine with undisclosed performance, mated to a fi ve-speed automatic transmission. Interestingly, Hyundai says the SR’s ESP stability control, motor-driven power steering (MDPS) and tyre pressure monitoring (TPMS) systems “will almost certainly be carried over to the incoming new model range at various trim levels”.

You need to do the Italian accent as it's spelt Maria was taking to her mother and advised her she was marrying Nick. Her mother replied “You meana Nick the Greek. There is noa waya dat an Italian girl is gunna marry a Greek. We dishone a you and me anna you father will nota come to da wedding and we a neva cumma your house.” Well Maria did marry Nick and the mother and father never went to the wedding or came to her house. Six months later mumma received a call from Maria who advised she was leaving Nick. Mumma said “Youa waita dare I a be over to picker you up” Well mumma got there and Maria was waiting out side. Mumma said “Maria whosa big house is dis” Maria said that’s Nicks Mumma said “Maria whosa fast car is dat” Maria said that’s Nicks Mumma said “Maria whosa bigga boat is dat” Maria said that’s Nicks Mumma said “Maria whya you wanna leave a Nick Well Maria explained when she was first married her ar$e was the size of a five cent piece and now six months later it was now the size of a fifty cent piece. Mumma said “Maria are youa stupid youa gunna givea all dis up for forty five a cents”

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million Her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"