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Ok now u can call me sexist ;) ;)

xoom

By xoom
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xoom Grand Master

xoom

Posted
Posted

A few questions we all know the answers to:

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None - It should be opened by the time she brings it

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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine

will probably never be able to support you.

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to

stand closer to the kitchen sink.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something

smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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Why do men break wind more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the

required pressure.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is

yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course - He'll shut up once you let him in

-------------------------------------------------------------------

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told

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I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was' Always'

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's

sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down

the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think

they are sexy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, *** created the earth and rested.

Then *** created Man and rested.

Then *** created Woman.

Since then, neither *** nor Man has rested.
mtbrider Veteran

mtbrider

Posted
Posted

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

20 kilos

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."

Danthuyer Grand Master

Danthuyer

Posted
Posted (edited)

Trev, you slay me.........maybe we should make this a sticky jokes section???????

How many people would like this a sticky?

Edited by Danthuyer

MR22ZZ Grand Master

MR22ZZ

Posted
Posted

give it a quick yankie and I'm sure it'll be sticky soon.... :P

These are Brilliant guys!!!

eggbert_99 Grand Master

eggbert_99

Posted
Posted

Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2005: Additions For The Work-Place Vocabulary.

TESTICULATING

Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING.

Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project

failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER.

A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then

leaves.

ASSMOSIS.

The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by

sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY.

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get

screwed and die.

CUBE FARM.

An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING.

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's

heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (promotion also applies

- there may be cake.)

MOUSE POTATO.

The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs.

Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into

when they have children and one stops working to stay home with the kids or

start a "home business".

STRESS PUPPY.

A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

XEROX SUBSIDY.

Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.

The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to

work again.

ADMINISPHERE.

The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file.

Decisions are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems

they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded

"administrivia" needless paperwork and processes.

404.

Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not

Found,"

OHNOSECOND

That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a

BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

WOOFies.

Well Off Older Folk.

CROP DUSTING

Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM, then enjoying the

sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING .

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