JOKES !!!!

CORZZA · June 6, 2006

15 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It leads to more honest communications.

3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to

hear.

5. It encourages car pooling.

6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't

care.

7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

8. It makes fellow employees look better.

9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the

bar.

13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

CORZZA · June 11, 2006

Always keep condoms in the car!

Iwas happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so

we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends

encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing

was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of

age, wore tight mini skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly

bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the

wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me

that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me

that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told

me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and

committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a

word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go

ahead with it, just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them

down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went

straight to the front door. I opened the door, stepped out of the house,

and walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he

hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little

test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the

family"

The moral of this story is...

Always keep your condoms in your car.

mtbrider · June 15, 2006

One night a guy got really really drunk. In the morning, he rolled over and sleeping peacefully beside him was the ugliest girl he'd ever seen.

Very quietly, he slipped his arm out from under her, got up, and dressed as fast as he could.

He put a twenty-dollar bill on the bed and started to tip-toe out.

Just then he felt a tug on his pant leg. Looking down, he saw a girl lying on the floor and just as ugly as the one in the bed.

She looked up at him, smiled a toothless smile, and asked, "What? Nothing for the bridesmaid?"

CORZZA · June 15, 2006

The Clocks...

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move." "Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that

one?" "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have oved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Wow! So tell me, where's Jacob Zuma's?" asked the man.

"Ah," smiled St Peter, "Jake's clock is in ***'s office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

mtbrider · June 20, 2006

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.

The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.

Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

mtbrider · June 21, 2006

woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed.

In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband.

Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" She asked him.

"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were 16?" he replied.

"And remember he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison."

Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?"

"I would have gotten out today."

mtbrider · June 25, 2006

I am starting to scrape the barrel now will look for a new source.

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride.

If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.

He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

mtbrider · June 27, 2006

Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky.

When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.

They buried the chicken and that was that.

Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today."

"What?" his father replied.

"When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'Jesus, I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming.'

If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!"

Dead · June 28, 2006

What's ghey?

Peter Costello

End joke...

DHC09 · June 30, 2006

CORZZA · June 30, 2006

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is... "Top o' the mornin to ya".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimes the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything... "

Sportivo05 · July 4, 2006

Little Johnny at it again.....

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks

they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny

stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little

Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by

yourself!"

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed

cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he

asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then

began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?"

asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying

attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2

and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX,

ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their

local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin

board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters

pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a

wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want

very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't

you keep him when you took his picture?"

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched

as his father moved from horse to horse, running his

hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a

few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to

make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I

buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy

wants to buy Mom."

CORZZA · July 8, 2006

Speeding wheelchair!

Ethel was a bit of a speed demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge

around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up

maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other

residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and

Goofy Gordon stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted

in a firm voice. Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished

around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up

to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Wally

popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of

insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and

held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig

stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.

"Oh, cr@p" cried Ethel, "not the Breathaliser again"

mtbrider · July 9, 2006

Concentration test for men

NOT WORK OR WIFE SAFE

http://www.miss36dd.com/Concentration_test...ping_center.swf

mtbrider · July 10, 2006

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a

pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is

in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Pierre grabs a

bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and

Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs

a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.

"Pierre!! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really

steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much

lower!"

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her

lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks

and dives into the River Seine.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams

furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE F**K DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

Saiya · July 10, 2006

Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a

cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by

the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......

BUMP........

Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

BUMP........

He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin.

Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started

walking briskly home.

BUMP........

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........

BUMP........BUMP......

BUMP........BUMP.....

BUMP........BUMP......

The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......

BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and lumped into his comfy chair.

Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could

take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and

launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the

bathroom door flew off its hinges....

The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young

terrified lad.

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet......

He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin....... still it came .

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....

Still it came......

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it .still it came......

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........

The coffin stopped.

mtbrider · July 16, 2006

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie

went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year old

grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had

died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were

making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people that were nearly 100 years old, having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our

advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church

bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.

Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding,and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

CAP · July 21, 2006

The Rabbit and Bear

Once there was a rabbit and a bear living in a forest. They went out for a walk and saw a magic golden frog. The rabbit and bear said, "Goodie, three wishes!" The frog then said, "No, six wishes since there are two of you." They got even more excited.

The bear went first. "I wish that all the bears in this forest are females, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.

Then it was the rabbit's turn. "I wish for a racing bike helmet." POOF! His wish was granted.

The bear hesitated, then said, "I wish all the bears in the neighboring forests were females, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.

The rabbit already knew what he wanted, "I wish for a motorcycle!" POOF! His wish was granted.

The frog broke in and said, "Now hurry up, I must be on my way! And, may I add, choose carefully your last wish!!"

The bear said, "Alright, I know my last wish. I wish all the bears in the world were female, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.

The rabbit thought for a while, put on his helmet, and got on his motorcycle. With a smirk on his face he said, "I wish the bear were gay."

Edited July 24, 2006 by IZZ-FE

oodee · July 22, 2006

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Although initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 2:00 a.m., he leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, “Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own **** blanket."

mtbrider · July 25, 2006

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids The shopkeeper asks: "Are they twins?"

The woman says: "No, he's 9 years old and she's 7. Why? Do you think

they look alike?"

"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got shagged twice"

CAP · July 25, 2006

A lady walks into a BMW dealership.

She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers,"Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to sh!t yourself when I tell you the price."

CAP · July 28, 2006

Playing Fireman

A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk.

He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it. He was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon.

The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles.

The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster."

"Maybe so," said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"

Black_Yaris_YRX · July 30, 2006

Famous U.S recording producer Berry Gordy is sitting in his office planning a benefit concert for victims of hurricane Katrina. He wants bands that were big in the 80's, bands like Van Halen, U2, Bruce Springsteen, Michael Jackson etc ... He consults with band managers and they set a date and venue.

News of the concert spreads across TV and radio and ticket sales bring in millions of dollars.

The night before the concert a woman roams around outside muttering to herself cursing organisers and abusing people waiting outside saying she was once a lead singer of a band in the 80's.

News of the woman gets back to Berry Gordy who agrees to meet the woman on stage before the first act comes on, the woman agrees and gets her former band together hoping to play in the concert.

The day arrives and true to his word Gordy meets the woman on stage in front of 200,000 screaming fans who by now want to know who this woman is, after all Van Halen is on first and fans want to see the original band line up play again. So, Berry Gordy stands on stage before the audience when the woman and her band walk on stage in their 80's gear ready to play. Intrigued as to who the woman is Gordy walks up and asks her who she is and what the band are called, the woman responds and says she is the lead singer of

Katrina and the waves. (true band name, by the way)

Dead · July 31, 2006

What do you call a leper in a bath.

Stew.

mtbrider · August 3, 2006

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired.

"Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

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