JOKES !!!!

[selyaT]

Hahahaha

[Conquest]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish..........................49

Adventurous.................Slept with everyone

Athletic........................No tits

Average looking............Ugly

Beautiful......................Pathological liar

Contagious Smile..........Does a lot of pills

Emotionally Secure.......On medication

Feminist......................Fat

Free spirit....................Junkie

Friendship first.............Former slut

Fun.............................Annoying

New-Age......................Body hair in the wrong places

Old-fashioned...............No BJs

Open-minded................Desperate

Outgoing......................Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate....................Sloppy drunk

Professional..................Bitch

Voluptuous...................Very Fat

Large frame..................Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate...........Stalker

Edited January 20, 2007 by Conquest

[DHC09]

Famous quotes on Sex

# My girlfriend always laughs during sex --no matter what she's reading.

Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

# Don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love.

Woody Allen

# Lord, grant me chastity and continence... but not yet.

St. Augustine

# I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

Tom Clancy

# You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Steve Martin

# Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Woody Allen

# Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Rodney Dangerfield

# There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.

Lynn Lavner

# Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

George Burns

# Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.

George Burns

# Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships

Sharon Stone

# My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b!tch.

Jack Nicholson

# Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

Robin Williams

# Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

Roseanne

# Women need a reason to have sex Men just need a place.

Billy Crystal

# According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

Robert De Niro

# There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

Dustin Hoffman

# There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.

Jerry Seinfeld

# Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

Woody Allen

# See, the problem is that G.o.d gives men a brain and a pen!s, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Robin Williams

# My family never raised me to have a vagina.

Roseanne

# An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Aldous Huxley

# Did you ever notice the people who are most adamantly against abortions are people you wouldn't want to f.uck in the first place?

George Carlin

# Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.

Mark Twain

# One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.

Jane Austen

# Sex concentrates on what is on the outside of the individual. It's funny because I think it's better inside.

Alex Walsh

# When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.

Frederike Ryder

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is . . . having sex.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 60 success is . . . having sex.

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

[Conquest]

Why Get Married?

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your

wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she

received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her

keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until

I got married, and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you

say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!" Second guy remarks, "You're

lucky, mine's still alive."

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on

the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at

the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR

stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

[RoLLing BLK]

2 sausages in a fry pan, 1 sausage turns to the 2nd and says 'jees it's getting pretty hot in here', the 2nd sausage looks over at the 1st and says 'sh.i.t a talking sausage'.

Edited February 11, 2007 by RoLLing BLK

[mtbrider]

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be eight again" she replied

On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops

and then took her off to the local theme park. What a Day!

He put her on every ride in the park:

* The Death Slide

* The Wall of Fear

* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme Park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal

with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn,

all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M& M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted.

He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you f*ckin tw*t"

The moral of this story: Even when a man is Listening, he's still going to get it wrong.

[DHC09]

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"

Edited February 26, 2007 by DHC09

[DHC09]

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began His round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a Terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished Your round of golf didn't you!

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed The doctor snickered and said, "Just **** with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

[mtbrider]

Fortune Cookies that never made it....

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok .

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ar$e should not bite fingernails

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

[RoLLing BLK]

Just a couple for the kiddies. (for those who have them)

what do you call a bear with no ears?...........'B'

What do you call a fish with no eyes?..........'FSH'

Edited February 28, 2007 by RoLLing BLK

[Jen]

I got this one through an email in 2003 and I still love it:

> Pilot Gripe Sheets

>

>

>After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which

>conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the

>flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the

>problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what

>remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before

>the >next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a

>sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and

>problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by

>maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that

>has never had an accident.

>

>(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)

>(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

>

>P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

>S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

>

>P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

>S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

>

>P: Something loose in cockpit.

>S: Something tightened in cockpit.

>

>P: Dead bugs on windshield.

>S: Live bugs on back-order.

>

>P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

>S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

>

>P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

>S: Evidence removed.

>

>P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

>S: DME volume set to more believable level.

>

>P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

>S: That's what they're there for.

>

>P: IFF inoperative.

>S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

>

>P: Suspected crack in windshield.

>S: Suspect you're right.

>

>P: Number 3 engine missing.

>S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

>

>P: Aircraft handles funny.

>S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

>

>P: Target radar hums.

>S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

>

>P: Mouse in cockpit.

>S: Cat installed.

>

>P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding

>on something with a hammer.

>S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Dead]

lmao I love that one...classic. midget hahaha.

Jen go to the Canberra thread :P

[DHC09]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

[mtbrider]

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,

"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,

"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.

"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

[DHC09]

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the civilian work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

[D'Ice]

a blonde n a brunette are in an elevator

as they'r going up a guy with a bad dandruff problem catches the elevator with them and gets off after 2 floors

so when he left the brunette turns to the blonde and says "someone really has to give him head n shoulders"

so the blonde thinks for a second and asks the brunette "but how do you give someone shoulders?"

LOL

[mtbrider]

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond.

"They're watch dogs!"

[DHC09]

There were 3 girls in highschool, they were all best friends and they're moms were all best friends as well, one mom was blonde, one mom was brunette, and the other had black hair.

So one night, the moms are all sitting around talking, and the Brunette says, ''I found a cigarette butt in my daughters trash can, I can't believe she smokes.''

The mom with Black Hair looks over and says, ''Well, I found a beer bottle in my daughters trashcan I can't believe she drinks.''

Then the blonde thinks for a moment and says, ''I found a condom in my daughters bed, I can't believe she has a d!ck.''

[DHC09]

Twenty responses to use with telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my ***! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my ***!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

[DHC09]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

[DHC09]

A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra, but his request was denied.

"Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked. "It's not safe," the doctor replied.

"But I need it really bad," the man explained.

"My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my exes will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday."

"Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented. "But you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side effects."

On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up."

[DHC09]

A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store. As he got to the check out he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Checkout 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the check out, he told the girl that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the check out for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Checkout 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the check out he told the girl he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did.

She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said.................

"Mop and bucket to Checkout 5".

[mtbrider]

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine," says the Italian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere a you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99 ?"

"Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, And dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, datsa makea one hundred.

[mtbrider]

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so

she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE -

NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON'T BEAT ME UP

2) WON'T RUN AWAY

3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was

ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail.

None seemed to match her qualifications. Then one day the doorbell rang

yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs

lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams.

I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

[mtbrider]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him

for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says:

"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies:

"Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies:

"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin:

"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies:

"Our allowance .. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about

60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this.

He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says:

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you.

What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little $hit is adorable

Edited May 9, 2007 by mtbrider