JOKES !!!!

[mtbrider]

TONGUE TWISTER

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and

sits down in his seat.

He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye,

too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black

eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue

twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous

blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there.

So, instead of saying, I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally

said, 'I'd like two pickets to T i t t s b u r g h '........... So she

socked me

a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a

tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to

my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.'

But I accidentally said,

"You've ruined my life you evil f a t s l u t '."

[mtbrider]

There was a couple who was about to get married. Before the wedding, they had a tragic accident and both died. As they were standing at the gates of heaven talking to St. Peter they explained their plight and asked could they get married in heaven.

St. Peter said, "Wait here," and left.

He was gone for several months then finally returned.

The couple said, "We've been thinking as we were waiting here, eternity is a long time to be married. Just in case things don't work out, is it possible that we can get a divorce?"

St. Peter looked them sternly in the eye then said, "Listen! It took me three months to find a preacher up here, do you know how long it would take me to find a lawyer?"

[mtbrider]

Lost In Translation

Wiremu, a New Zealander, landed at Heathrow to watch the All Blacks and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I don't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had prostate problems, and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Pommy doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.

Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated but, with only hours to go before the All Blacks opening game he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Wiremu, you have prostate sukness ey".

"What's the cure thin doc ey?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk *** for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Pommy bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

[mtbrider]

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Haemorrhoids." No go.

Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.

Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still not good.

Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.

So they tried "Lost Souls and ***** Holes." No way.

"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.

"Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh.

"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: " Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

And they loved it.

[eggbert_99]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[CORZZA]

Thats funny!!! LOL!!!!

[mtbrider]

Rules For Toilet Usage At Work

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, the following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING-- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TurdBurglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees

[eggbert_99]

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather - who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

Author Unknown

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

Drew Carey

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

Jeff Foxworthy

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

Bob Ettinger

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."

Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my ***.... I could be eating a slow learner."

Lynda Montgomery

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is ***'s way of teaching us geography."

Paul Rodriguez

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"

Warren Hutcherson

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My ***, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"

Dave Barry

Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

Unknown, presumed deceased

[mtbrider]

25 Signs You Have Grown Up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorc! e instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door! won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the chemist for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh S*$# what the hell happened?"

Bonus: 26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

[eggbert_99]

Hello Everyone,

I hate hoax warnings, but this one is important.

Please send this to everyone on your e-mail list.

If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your bum, do not show him your bum.

This is a scam. He only wants to see your bum.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap.

Kind Regards,

Jason

Edited December 14, 2005 by eggbert_99

[smt_007]

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?

Customer: Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.

HelpLine: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?

Customer: How do I work it?

HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?

Customer: Do I know how to what?

HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?

Customer: I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!

Edited December 15, 2005 by smt_007

[eggbert_99]

A man and his wife in court were getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child.

The wife jumped up an said: "Your Honor! I brought the child into the world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody."

The Judge turns to the husband and says "What do you have to say

in your defense?"

The man sat for while contemplating, then slowly rose.

"Your Honor! If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes

out... whose Pepsi is it. the machine's or mine?"

[mtbrider]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did, and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his peni$ hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom," she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Edited December 16, 2005 by mtbrider

[iNdCeNt]

Why Latinos can't be Terrorists

1. 8:45am is too early for us to be up.

2. We are always late, we would have missed all 4 flights.

3. Pretty people on the plane distract us.

4. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves.

5. With food and drinks on the plane, we would forget why

we're there.

6. We talk with our hands, therefore we would have to put

our weapons down.

7. We would ALL want to fly the plane.

8. we would argue and start a fight in the plane.

9. We can't keep a secret, we would have told everyone a

week before doing it.

10. We would have put our country's flag on the windshield.

[eggbert_99]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the

wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest

house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be

careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see

how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice

said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage

that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle

was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my

window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a

genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give

you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for

myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted

out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "

No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least can do. And

I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what

do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in

the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe

from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?" "Well,

since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in

more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now

have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you,

honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for

you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of

the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of nonstop sex, the genie rolled over and looked

directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding." he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still

believe in genies?"

[mtbrider]

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the bonnet and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu" For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger. I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or beer, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her anymore than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom, too!

Because I'm a man, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go", and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. Like, what's the connection?

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 00's, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

[SuperDave]

Girls night out.

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told

my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the

door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed

another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted

solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible

conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told

him Midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with

that one!) Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3

times, then said, "oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its

throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and

then tripped over the cat and farted."

[o4rolla]

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's

house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her

daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and

it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because

he will be home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.

On the

way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed,

showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.

"Needs ironing." he said

A little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy

standing next to him. The big guy staring at him, looks

down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds,14 inch *****,1 pound left testicle,

1 pound right testicle,?Turner Brown".

The small man faints dead away and falls to the ground. The big guy kneels down

and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says to him

"What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What exactly did

you say to me?"

The big dude says "I saw the curious look on your face, and thought I would give

you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

I'm 7 feet tall , I weigh 350 pounds ,I have a 14 inch *****, my left testicle weighs

1 pound, my right testicle weighs 1 pound, and my name is Turner

Brown"

The small guy says "Turner Brown?"

Thank ***! I thought you said "Turn around"

[eggbert_99]

Maharishi Phucknuckel’s Guide to Zen

1.Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just **** off and leave me alone.

2.The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

3.The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4.Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.

5.Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6.Remember, no one is listening until you fart.

7.Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

8.Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9.If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

10.Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11.If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

12.Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13.Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

14.If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15.Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.

16.Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17.Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.

18.The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19.A closed mouth gathers no feet.

20.There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

21.Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

22.Never miss a good chance to shut up.

23.Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24.When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our ****. From there on in, life gets worse

25.The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

[CORZZA]

SO TRUE!

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old

is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited

about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and

a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the

next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're

gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21.

Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound

like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now,

you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on

the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50

and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a

day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch;

you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.. And it doesn't end there. Into the

90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a

little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

BLIND MAN

A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the

dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg.

The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.

A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You

shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward

him when he does something like that!".

The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying

to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the @ss"!

[CORZZA]

WOMEN'S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

We need... = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want... = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk... = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

In response to What's wrong?:

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot!

Women think they already know everything, but wait, training courses are now be available for women on the following subjects at Damelin uni

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait until After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . .. . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

26. Getting ready to go out: Start the day before.

Please register immediately as courses are expected to be in great demand ....

[CORZZA]

THE STELLA AWARDS

It's time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella

Awards." The Stellas are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who

spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM).

That case inspired The Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous,

successful lawsuits In the United States.

Here are this year's winners:

5th Place (tie):

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of

her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving

little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

5th Place (tie):

19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical

expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.

5th Place (tie):

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had

just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the

garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning.

He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house

and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He

subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food.

He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him

undue mental anguish.

The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th Place:

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place:

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms.Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place:

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place:

This year's run away winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this.

The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home.

The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

[mtbrider]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent ba$tard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . if you explain the kids."

[CORZZA]

Talented!

[eggbert_99]

Things to do in an elevator

CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air

in there?"

STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting

off.

WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then

act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.

GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you

Admiral.

MEOW occasionally.

STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're

one of THEM" - and back away slowly

SAY -DING at each floor.

SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.

MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have

new socks on."

WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other

passengers: "This is my personal space."

WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the

shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for

more.

ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while,

let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"

DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream:

"That's mine!"

BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits

with the Passengers.

SWAT at flies that don't exist.

CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.