JOKES !!!!

[Northy]

I came across this on another forum i visit its worth a read

This was posted on a local forum that I frequent. Enjoy...

This story came off the "rants and raves" section of Craigslist out here in the SF area. I don't know the gentleman's name who wrote this story so I can't give him due credit. Also, I apologize to the moderators. The link is dead, so I had to paste the story here. Hope it's not taking too much space!! Here goes...

"This is a true story. I swear I'm not making any of this up...and you may very well see the car and laugh your ***** off as well.

So, I'm a car enthusiast and part-time auto mechanic who helps my neighbors out with their cars. Hey, I've got a little knowledge, been doing this for a few years, and I've got a great set of tools. I have a rather fast and rare early 70's hobby car that I take out on weekends, an Oldsmobile 442.

So anyway, my neighbor's kid turns 17, and the mother gives him her Honda Civic. Say it out loud now with me: Honda Civic.

Plastic and aluminum, 75 horsepower, basic commuter car, Honda Civic.

'Perfect for a new driver, economical, easy to maintain and dependable: a good basic car for junior' I though to myself.

The first week was fine. He bought spinning hubcaps and a set of dragon seat covers for it. That should have been it. He should have left it alone.

The week after that, I walk out to my mailbox, and I almost called the cops. I thought I had just seen a UFO! As it slowly approached.....I could see it was a Honda Civic.....with four different blinking colors of neon underneath it. Holy #$%^! I almost had a f'ing seizure looking at this thing. Even the shifter knob was blinking.

...Then about 48 hours later, I'm laying in bed, about ready to %^&* my girlfriend, when I hear BZZZZZZZZZZ-owwww! BZZZZZ-owww! over and over in the neighbor's garage. 'Well this is an odd time for Mr. Richardson to be f'ing around with his chainsaw' I thought out loud. After 45 minutes of this irritating buzzing, I thought I'd go over and ask the neighbor to play with his chainsaw in the morning. Here is the junior Richardson boy, proudly revving his engine up and down. Four more wannabe fake gangsta kids were standing around 'tuning' his new exhaust.....which consisted of a rather small header and 4 coffee cans spray painted silver and the words 'Type-R' stenciled on it.

Holy ****! I told him to please quit f'ing with the car so I could sleep.

Wait, that is BY FAR not all.

The following week, he asks me if he can borrow a screwdriver and a hammer. He is installing his new 'Type-R' rear spoiler. He was proud of it. He paid almost $600 for it. I asked him where he was going to put it, since a Honda Civic does not have a trunk. "The roof, dawg." is what he told me. This spoiler looks like an aluminum picnic table that you would see in a public park, except for lots of rivets in it and the words 'Type-R' all over it. I almost stopped him, but I wanted to see how retarded it would look. I gleefully helped him install it. Yup, totally retarded. Classic. He went on to explain to me that he needed it for all of the downforce he needed to maintain traction at supersonic speeds. 4 cylinders...75 horsepower...downforce. Oh my ***, what a retard.

It gets better.

2 weeks later, he is asking to borrow my cordless drill. He just bought a body kit, yo, and needs to be down fo' shizzle wit da tool dawg to install it, no wut he's sane, dawg? Body kit. Pay attention. It get good here. So he drills all of the holes, double sided tape and screws this mother^&*%er to his car, and it REALLY is beginning to look like a space ship, or an alien life form. Or a circus car. Well, circus, not yet. That's coming. Here's the problem. The body kit is white. The car is dark green. It looks like a burrito vomit...and the car is a full 4 inches wider, and 2 inches lower than it was before. He can't get the doors to open or close properly, because the "body kit, yo" is catching the door jamb. So, always the helpful one, I give him my grinder. That was the coolest, watching this 'tard grind on his new $1200 yo yo word up body kit. Word. It was the flyest, dawg.

Circus act part 1

Now, he decides he wants to "Lower the ride, dawg." I wouldn't let him use my tools, as I was afraid this dumb %$^& would blow himself up with what he wanted to do next. He would cut the coils...dangerous...unsafe...stupid. He succedded in cutting the coils, but now his new body kit dawg was dragging on the ground, and, to top it all off, the car was bouncing up and down like a carnival ride, effectively ending his neon lighted story. His 'Type-R' exhaust was dragging on the ground as well.

You should see how retarded this #$%^er looks. A huge picnic table on the roof, 2 tone body kit, special-kid taillights, blinking, broken neon, stickers all over it, buzzing like a chainsaw on crack bouncing up and down like a clown car.

Wait, that's not all. Now Hontard wants a "syssem, yo". Oh yeah. He pieced together 6 different trashed car stereos, one home stereo, and a Kragen auto parts special bass speaker, and somehow wired the neon lights (what's left of them) to blink with the beat of the music....except you can't hear the music. You can only hear the bass...and it rattles his rooftop spoiler and license plate frame.

Now it's REALLY looking AND SOUNDING like a clown car.

Okay. Now for Hontard's carbon fiber paint job. He puts a hood scoop from an early 60's Mustang on it, and it's ENORMOUS. It kind of balanced out the retardedness of the rear spoiler/picnic table. Then out comes the spray cans. All 18 of them. First, he pulled off his spinning hubcaps and painted the wheels BLACK. Flat black. Then he painted the body kit dawg BRIGHT, NEON YELLOW. The rest of the car was painted BRIGHT RED with a PURPLE fist turning in to a dragon or some #$%^ airbrushed on the doors.

Clown car complete? Not yet.

As I stated previously, I have experience with fast cars. He knows that I can make a car go fast. He comes over with a copy of "Honda Tuner Guy" magazine, filled with equally retarded looking cars. He asks me "Yo dawg, I wanna make dis here B18 go fast and #$%^. I was thinkin of an Acura V-tec swap or some NOSS." So I asked him "What exactly do you intend to do with this car? Will you be entering it in the most retarded car contest, or what?" He replies "Naw, cracka. That $%^& be is funny and #$%^, but I is for reals. I need to be running in the 12's and makin 350 horsepower." So I asked him "Why don't you save your money and buy a car that makes 350 horsepower, like a Camaro or a GTO or something, instead of trying to make a car with 75 horsepower that was never intended to go that fast any faster?" He says "Don't be a foo yo. Everybody knows dat ode skoo %&^$ can't hang." Now I'm ******. Insulted, I replied "Lookit here, junior. I'll pull my Olds out of the garage and make your #@$% look like it was going backwards. No NOS, no turbo, no stickers, and no body kit is gonna help you beat the 'ode skoo' cars, dawg. and the same goes for any of your other retard car driving friends. I'll have you and your homies wetting your pants with fear before we ever hit second gear. You have 6 grand worth of %^&* bolted onto a $1000 car that was perfectly good when you got it, and now it looks, sounds and drives like *****. Get the #$%^ out of my garage!" He looked like he was gonna cry. He left with a solid "%^ you dawg, I'll beat your old man car with a 150 shot!" and he left, trying to pull up his drawers and give me the finger at the same time.

Showdown

Now I am a responsible adult, and I do not condone street racing. However, when faced with a direct insult, challenge, and #$%^ you, any man tends to be defensive enough to take a few risks.

cont...

Beautiful sunny day. First day I've had my car out of the garage all winter. I check the fluids. I start the engine. I anticipate a crisp, lively jaunt at mind-bending speeds up the interstate. I rev my engine. I sip my coffee.

Hontard heard me revving my engine, so him and 2 of his friends do the same in his driveway. One is a new Acura in the pre-clown car stages of molestation, and the other one is junior's mom's Civic. It sounds like a lawn mower race at the Richardson's house. I crank my engine up to 3000 rpm and drown them out.

I climb in my car, check the gauges, and idle out onto the road.

I look in my rearview, and I'm being followed by two bouncing, brightly colored bumping clown cars with backward hat retards pointing in my direction.

I ignore them. Not worth my trouble. I'm an adult.

Hondtard and Acuratard pass me when I hit the 680 on the left and right. BZZZZzzzz. Gone. Good. I am halfway to Livermore when they blast out of the onramp and attempt to box me in. Acuratard is revving his engine and pointing forward. Hondtard is slowing me down in front of me.

#$%^ it. I've had enough.

I stuffed it down into third gear, opened all 455 cubic inches wide open, almost rear-ended Hondtard and swerved directly at Acuratard. I broke the rear tires loose at 70 mph, and Acuratard was busy downshifting trying to get enough speed to catch me.

I dusted these little #$%^suckers so bad they simply disappeared. I got off on the Livermore exit and waited for them on the on ramp. Some of their own game. Right back atcha homies.

I let them see me. Then I smoked the tires brutally and violently out of the ramp so that they would know I was ****** and coming for them.

I knew the Honda was slow, so I ignored him and brought it down right on the Acura's bumper. I got within an inch of this terrified teenager's ***** and popped on the high beams and gunned the motor. I mashed the gas in third and was threatening to bump him. 90, 100, 110...

He couldn't get away form me. He waved for me to pass. Hondtard was WAAYYY in the back. The Acura *** was scared and beaten and he knoew it. I pulled alongside. I motioned for him to roll down his window. I screamed and pointed. He backed way off. I stuck my finger in the air and screamed "#$%^ you!" at Acuratard, and dumped it, quickly accelerating to 130 mph until they couldn't see my taillights anymore.

Later that evening, as I told my fiancee ("You're a juvenile *******, you could have killed those kids and you're going to ***** the neighbors!") I heard two chainsaws idle up very slowly to my house. Holy @#$%. It's a drive by. These #$%^ers want to kill me. A knock on the door. I answer it, ready to beat some fake gangsta ***** if I have to.

They want to see my car now. "Do you have NOS? Is it a Hemi?"

Tards. Get lost.

Clown car is still on the road, but now homie g wants to learn about the "ode skoo".

If you see this car, put a sticker on it. He seems to like them, and thinks they made the car cooler. Then dust his ***** once for good measure.

You simply have to see this kid's car to believe it. If your car looks retarded and it's fast, cool. Then you can look a little #$%^ing special and get away with it. But this thing looks like it was dropped off at the special education shop class and built by retards, and it's not even quick.

In honor of Dale "pimpdaddyhustla" Richardson, class of 2006 and his clown car, I dedicate this to you. Let me take you for a ride once you feel you are man enough. I see you stepped up to the plate and lost big time. I'm willing to help you install the "noss" and the "v-tecs" and let you try again."

[mtbrider]

A woman approached her husband and said she wanted $7000 for a breast implant operation.

The husband said there was no need to pay that sort of money.

Why is that replied the wife.

Well said the husband "just wipe your breasts with toilet paper"

The wife said how will that work.

The husband replied well it worked on your ar$e.

[mtbrider]

Men Strike Back

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

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How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shu! t up onc e you let him in.

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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

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I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

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Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

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In the beginning, *** created the earth and rested.

Then *** created Man and rested.

Then *** created Woman.

Since then, neither *** nor Man has rested.

[Azza]

Subject: : Maths Lesson

A businessman sends a fax to his wife.

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54

years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a

good wife. Therefore after reading this fax, I hope that you will not

wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18

year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed, I

shall be back home before midnight.

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room

table............

My Dear Husband,

I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take

this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same

time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the

Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who like your secretary, is also

18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge

of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although

with one small difference.

Eighteen goes Into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18,

therefore I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

*************************************************************

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders

mating, she said to her father,

"What do you call the spider on top daddy?" she asked. "That's a daddy

longlegs." her father answered.

"So, the other one is a mummy longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No"

her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped

them flat.

"Well, we're not having THAT sort of poofta **** in our garden!"

********************************************************

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.

He had a pond in the next paddock, fixed up nice - picnic tables,

horseshoe courts, and some mango and avocado trees. The pond was properly

shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't

been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket

to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in

his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep

end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim

naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

***************************************************************

Compassion

A man was sitting on a beach and he had no arms and no legs.

Three women walking past felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The bloke said "No", so she gave him a hug and walked away.

Then the second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The bloke said "No", so she gave him a kiss and walked away.

Then the third woman came up to him and said "Have you ever been

f****d?"

The bloke said "No",

You will be when the tide comes in!"

******************************************************************

An Aussie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge,

burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the

neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says,"That's a karate

chop from Korea."

Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.

The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the

Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the

floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.

The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes

back and sees the burly Yank b*stard sitting at the bar. He walks up behind

him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out. The Aussie says to the

bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a f*ckin' crowbar from

Bunnings."

****************************************************************

[Azza]

What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Techincal Manuals?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,

And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,

and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,

Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,

And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,

And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,

Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,

Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,

But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,

That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,

So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,

Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,

'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,

And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,

Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,

Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

[Azza]

Quote for the day:

*** CREATED THE ORGASM SO THAT WOMEN CAN MOAN EVEN WHEN THEY ARE HAPPY!!

[Azza]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I

needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a

passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency;

she was a drama queen, cried all the >time and threatened suicide. So I

decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was

totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so

dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.

She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did

mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great

fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a

girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted

firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she

divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

[CAP]

A True Dilemma

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.

Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:

"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

...HOWEVER...the correct answer is:

Run the old lady over and put her out of her misery,

Have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car,

then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

[mtbrider]

Trevor's Advice to You Young Fella's

It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Trevor...... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife.

When I decided I needed more money for bikes and cars last year, it became necessary for the wife to get a full-time job to pay for these necessities. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from mountain biking about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door...

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

I really think my experience helps a lot. I consider telling people what they ought to do one of my strong points...

And speaking of bed, her age really shows up there. I go out and ride all day, come in dead tired and after a two hour nap and a good meal, I'm ready, if you know what I mean. Age has gotten her so bad that she actually dozes off during lovemaking. But that's okay. Her satisfaction in that area is important to a sensitive guy like me and if she enjoys sleeping during our little trysts, what the hey...

Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our clothes line is in the back yard. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip out to the backyard. I don't make a big issue of this; as long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday training, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting...

Also, if I had a really good day out riding and it was wet and muddy, my bike is a mess, so I let her clean it, you know.....get the grit off the grips and a little light polish of the frame at a casual pace. My bike is heavy so I lift it of the bike rack for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after ride nap, so rather than bother me, she can put it back on the rack when she's finished.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more! rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of water and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is getting a drink for herself, she may as well get me a beer, and then take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...

Signed,

Trevor

[Azza]

The following is not my opinions or is meant to cause any arguments, discussions debates or otherwise... it is just a funny email I recieved the other day....

If You're Happy And You Know It Bomb Iraq (anonymous)

If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.

If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.

If the terrorists are frisky,

Pakistan is looking shifty,

North Korea is too risky, Bomb Iraq.

If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.

If we think that someone's dissed us, bomb Iraq.

So to hell with the inspections,

Let's look tough for the elections,

Close your mind and take directions, Bomb Iraq.

It's pre-emptive non-aggression, bomb Iraq.

To prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.

They've got weapons we can't see,

And that's all the proof we need,

If they're not there, they must be there, Bomb Iraq.

If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.

If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.

If you think Saddam's gone mad,

With the weapons that he had,

And he tried to kill your dad, Bomb Iraq.

If corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.

If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.

If your politics are sleazy,

And hiding that ain't easy,

And your manhood's getting queasy, Bomb Iraq.

Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.

For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq.

Disagree? We'll call it treason,

Let's make war not love this season,

Even if we have no reason, Bomb Iraq.

[mtbrider]

Meet the Schitt's

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt, and he has an interesting family tree:

In 1957, Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

They had one son, Jack.

Jack Schitt grew up and married Noe, and together Jack and Noe Schitt produced 6 children:

Holie Schitt (who came to be known as "The Lucky Schitt")

Fulla Schitt

Shineola (who didn't really have the Schitt Face)

Giva Schitt

Bull Schitt (who really looked like Schitt, the father),

and the twins: Dip Schitt and Deap Schitt.

Dip Schitt was not very bright, and was known as "The stupid Schitt", and she married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out who happened to share the same last name (no relation, however). Friends affectionately nicknamed them "The Schitts". Their marriage produced no little Schitts.

The other twin, Deap Schitt, went on to build a deodorant empire, which became famous for it's slogan: "Smell Like Schitt". Interestingly, that slogan only worked in the United States, and another slogan was more popular in the U.K.: "Put a dab of Schitt on your pits." When the company launched its product into Australia, a third slogan was used successfully: "Smell Like Schitt Down Under".

But soon, trouble developed and Noe Schitt divorced Jack and promptly married a nice man named Ted Sherlock, but being a modern woman, she decided to hyphenate her name. She become known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Jack was depressed at losing Noe, but he, too, remarried a nice lady named Loda. The blushing bride, Loda Schitt, produced a son of nervous disposition, whom they named Chicken Schitt.

Jack and Loda went on to produce two more boys, Krappy Schitt and Ugglee Schitt.

These athletic brothers, Krappy and Ugglee, married the stunningly beautiful Happens Sisters in a dual ceremony.

The "Schitt-Happens" Wedding was a huge affair, and this union also produced many offspring:

Dawg Schitt

Byrd Schitt

Ho**** Schitt

and Pigh Schitt

But once again, Jack lost his love for his wife, and left to tour the world. He recently returned from an extended visit to Italy with his newest bride, Pisa.

Presently Jack Schitt and his 3rd wife, Pisa Schitt, are living without children in New Jersey on property which contains a stream of water, now known to the locals as "Schitt Creek."

(From now on, nobody can say you don't know Jack Schitt!)

[Azza]

Dear IT Support,

18 months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 3pm and Play boy 9.9.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware programme, Party Girl 2.1 which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I then upgraded to fiance 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.

Whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse2002. Shortly after this upgrade however I found that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For

example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail filter, and can,

without warning, launch Photo-strop and Whinge-zip!

These latter products have no help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is.

Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. It

conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that

they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive it often crashes or runs the system dry.

Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2000, but there could be problems.

A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it tends to delete all of your Money files before un-installing itself .

[mtbrider]

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female point of view. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! (Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!)

1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

[mtbrider]

The perfect job....at Centrelink?

A guy walks into the local Centrelink office, marches straight up to the counter and says,

"Hi! I hate being on the dole. I'd really rather have a job.

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom

apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bull****ting me!"

The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

[mtbrider]

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers' license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

[mtbrider]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies.

He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

"You're on my list but I have no room for you.

But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm

going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as

you. I'll let one of them go but you have to take their place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves".

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room.

In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water.

He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over.

Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so.

I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day

long."

The devil led him to the next room.

In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks

All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No!

I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony

if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door.

In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his

arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose.

Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George

Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,

"Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go

[mtbrider]

No offence to any one with an accent (that's not a type of Corolla)

Mujibar was trying to get into Australia legally through Immigration.

The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except

there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Australia."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and

Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am

ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it

up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you, and works at a Telstra

help desk.

[CAP]

Typoglycemia

This is for you spelling Nazi's out there :P

Don't not read this because it looks weird. Believe it or not you can read it .....

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia :)-

Amzanig huh? Yaeh and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

[CAP]

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-) and

:-( respectively

Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ar*se

(__!__) a fat ar*se

(!) a tight ar*se

(_*_) a sore ar*se

{_!_} a swishy ar*se

(_o_) an ar*se that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ar*se

(_X_) leave my ar*se alone

(_zzz_) a tired ar*se

(_E=mc2_) a smart ar*se

(_$_) Money coming out of his ar*se

(_?_) Dumb ar*se

Edited July 1, 2005 by IZZ-FE

[CAP]

A man goes into a lawyer's office and says,

"I heard people have sued the tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer, and McDonald's for making them fat."

The lawyer says, "Yes, that's true."

The man says, "Well, I'm interested in suing too."

The lawyer says, "Okay, McDonald's, or the Tobacco companies?"

The man says,

"Neither I'm suing Carlton United Breweries for all the ugly people I've slept with."

[CAP]

I think I'll be typing up something similar soon...

Here's an actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!

Dear Mr. Baker,

As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is.

Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation to be on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public.

Never fool with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you with all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day

Cecelia

[Danthuyer]

This is more of a practicle joke here at work.

One of the guys accidently dropped a chair from a height the other day which managed to connect with my eye :(

So it was time for some payback!!!!!

ENJOY!!!

Danthuyers Revenge

Warning - 460Kb Download

Stolen from eeefreak.kicks-@ss.net

Edited July 5, 2005 by Danthuyer

[Buddha]

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2

neck."

Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years. Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400

New shirt - $36

New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[mtbrider]

Some definitions

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the **** and having the balls to say, "You're next."

[BlkZR]

Something i read on the Hot4s forum about 26 Things To Do In a Elevator that i thought was worth reading...

1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them

on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,

and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the

wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they

know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your saiting for a friend. After

a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day

been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then

scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,

ask if they have an apointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to

play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask

them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency

procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay,

don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.

18)Cool Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and

muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering

inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the

wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in

horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other

passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then

announce, "I have new socks on".

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to

the other passnegers, "This is MY personal space!"