JOKES !!!!

[JustinW]

Little Johnny meets Barack Obama

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word “Tragedy.”

So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a “tragedy.”

One little boy stood up and offered: ‘If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy.’

‘No,’ said Obama, ‘that would be an accident.’

A little girl raised her hand: ‘If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.

I’m afraid not,’ explained Obama. ‘That’s what we would call great loss.’

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. ‘Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? €™

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: ‘If the plane carrying

you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.’

‘Fantastic!’ exclaimed Obama. ‘That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?’

‘Well,’ says the boy, ‘It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss…and it

probably wouldn’t be an accident either.’

[SuperDave]

Why I fired my Secretary...........

Yesterday was my birthday

And I didn't feel very well

Waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast

Hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', And possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,

She barely said good morning,

Let alone

'Happy Birthday.'

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you,

But the kids...

They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast And didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office,

I felt pretty low

And somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,

My secretary Jane said,

'Good Morning Boss,

And by the way

Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better

That at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,

When Jane knocked on my door

And said, 'You know,

It's such a beautiful day outside,

And it is your Birthday,

S0 What do you say we go out to lunch,

Just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Jane,

that's the greatest thing

I've heard all day.

Let's go!'

We went to lunch.

But we didn't go

Where we normally would go.

She chose instead at a quiet bistro

With a private table.

We had two martinis each

And I enjoyed the meal tremendously...

On the way back to the office,

Jane said, 'You know,

It's such a beautiful day....

We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do we ?'

I responded,

'I guess not.

What do you have in mind?'

She said,

'Let's drop by my apartment,

it's just around the corner.'

0K

After arriving at her apartment,

Jane turned to me and said,

' Boss, if you don't mind,

I'm going to step into the bedroom

For just a moment.

I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,

After a couple of minutes,

She came out

Carrying a huge birthday cake ..

Followed

By my wife,

My kids,

And dozens of my friends

And co-workers,

All singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

[Jaaassseeee]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying **** YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

[1stKill]

Two little sperm are swimming together,one in front of the other

The lead sperm says to his mate following closely behind....will you bloody hurry up

The second sperm says why are we near the egg

The lead sperm says nah stupid we are still in her mouth...

[DJKOR]

A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won the lottery?"

She says, "I'd take half then leave you."

"Excellent," he replies, "I won 12 bucks, here's $6. Now F**k off!"

[DJKOR]

An elderly, white-haired man walked into a downtown jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.

On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, I'm afraid there's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

[WildfireATX]

Did you hear Al Qaeda are putting bombs into tins of Alphabet Spaghetti?

If they go off it could SPELL Disaster...

Ba doom Ching

(Crickets chirp)

[DJKOR]

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

“Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off.” said the teacher.

'Who is credited with writing the phrase,'To be or not to be, that is the question’?” asked the teacher.

Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'.

'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off.”

'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

'Well okay,' said the teacher.

The next quote is, “I had a dream!”

Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out “I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!”

“Well done!” said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off”

“No thanka you miss. I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too.” said little Fri Sum Kat.

'Okay,' said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, “F#^*ing Asians!”

“Who said that?” yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

“Pauline Hanson!” yelled little Johnny. “See ya Tuesday!!!!”

[httttt]

Great jokes. The emails from this thread will brighten my day.

[SuperDave]

Hope this one hasn't been used so far (I don't keep too up-to-date with this thread).

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

[SuperDave]

[DJKOR]

^ Nice one there Dave. If that actually is true, that was quality.

I guess to keep with the thread, I'll have to make a contribution:

----------

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-****d guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

[SuperDave]

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD that Susie answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before that Mary answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD that Nancy answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".

The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"

[DJKOR]

There is another one of that floating around... but with the final answer being Pauline Hanson instead.

[httttt]

What do you call cheese that is not yours?

Nawt-cho Cheese

[Armstrong]

HERES A CHRISTMAS ONE ( not a popular one to share at a chrismast party bwahahha)

Why is Santa's sack so full?

because he only cums once a year

[KevO]

For the festive season...

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa knows how to stop after 3 ho's

[SuperDave]

During a recent audit by Internode, it was found that a blonde was using the

following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySydney".

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to

contain at least 8 characters and one capital.

[SuperDave]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Parramatta Immigration Offices in Macquarie Street .

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you've just arrived in Sydney, Australia with your wife and seven children.'

The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Somalia where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.

The refugee claimant now got bolder.

'I need a big house with a three car garage in Castle Hill with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.

PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling in ground pool and a Hummer, full of his nephews playing their music.

'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of rags, and a baseball cap instead of this shawl and I want to have white skin like the Australians.'

PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from Best for Less, a dirty K-Mart T-shirt and a greasy Billabong baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where's my Centrelink Gold Card?'

The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are Australian, you're entitled to sweet ****- ALL like the rest of us.'

And she disappeared!

[Brad!]

To follow on from more stories like SD - Not so much a joke, but brings the laughs!!

*********************************************************************

From: Shannon

Date: Monday 17 August 2009 10.12am

To: Staff

Subject: Coffee cups

Hi

There was twelve coffee cups left in the sink this morning. Could everyone please wash their coffee cups after using them.

Thanks, Shan

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 17 August 2009 10.19am

To: Shannon

Subject: Re: Coffee cups

Morning Shannon,

My apologies. Those coffee cups were mine. I am rather busy today so decided to have all of my coffee breaks at the one time this morning rather than taking twelve separate breaks throughout the day. I am currently experiencing severe heart palpitations but also typing at four hundred and seventy words per minute so should be able to knock off early.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon

Date: Monday 17 August 2009 10.31am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Coffee cups

I was not saying they were all your coffee cups I was just saying that I should not have to wash twelve coffee cups when I don't even drink coffee. People should wash their own coffee cups or at least take it in turns to wash them.

Shan

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 17 August 2009 10.42am

To: Shannon

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Coffee cups

Shannon,

You raise a valid and not at all uninteresting point. Perhaps you could construct some kind of chart. A roster system would enable us to work in an environment free of dirty coffee cups and put an end to any confusion regarding who the dirty coffee cup responsibility lies with.

David.

From: Shannon

Date: Monday 17 August 2009 1.08pm

To: Staff

Subject: Kitchen Roster

Hi everyone. I have discussed a kitchen roster with David and feel it would be fair if we took it in turns to do the dishes. I have put the roster in the kitchen so everyone can remember. I am Monday morning and Wednesday and Friday afternoon. David is Monday afternoon and Wednesday morning, Lillian is Tuesday morning and Thursday afternoon and Thomas is Tuesday afternoon and Friday morning.

Thanks, Shan

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 17 August 2009 1.22pm

To: Shannon

Subject: Colour coded coffee cup cleaning chart

Shannon, I notice that you have colour coded the coffee cup cleaning chart. While I appreciate the creative effort that has gone into this roster, the light salmon colour you have chosen for my name is very effeminate. While I am sure you have not done this on purpose and are not inferring anything, I would appreciate you rectifying this immediately. Would it be possible to swap colours with Thomas as he has quite a nice dusty blue.

Thankyou, David

From: Shannon

Date: Monday 17 August 2009 2.17pm

To: Staff

Subject: Updated kitchen roster

Hi. I have changed David's colour to blue on the kitchen roster. Thomas is now green.

Shan

From: Thomas

Date: Monday 17 August 2009 2.24pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: What the ****?

What the **** is this email from Shannon? I am not doing a **** kitchen roster. Was this your idea?

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 17 August 2009 2.38pm

To: Thomas

Cc: Shannon

Subject: Re: What the ****?

Thomas, do you feel it is fair that Shannon should have to wash everyone's coffee cups? Apparently this morning there were twelve coffee cups in the sink. I was going to schedule a staff board meeting this afternoon to discuss the issue but luckily Shannon has prepared a colour coded coffee cup cleaning chart for us rendering a staff meeting unnecessary. We should all thank Shannon for taking the initiative and creating a system that will empower us to efficiently schedule client meetings and work commitments around our designated coffee cup cleaning duties. If at any stage our rostered coffee cup cleaning commitments coincide with work requirements, we can simply hold the client meeting in the kitchen. We can wash while the clients dry. Today it may only be twelve coffee cups but tomorrow it could be several plates and a spoon and then where would we be?

David.

From: Thomas

Date: Monday 17 August 2009 2.56pm

To: Shannon

Subject: Kitchen stuff

Shannon, I do not need a chart telling me when to wash dishes. I am not going to stop in the middle of writing proposals to wash coffee cups. David is being a ******wit. I only use one coffee cup and I always rinse it out after I use it. If we have clients here and they use coffee cups then it is appreciated that you wash them as part of your job.

From: Lillian

Date: Monday 17 August 2009 3.06pm

To: Thomas

Subject: Re: Kitchen stuff

What's this kitchen roster thing? Did you agree to this?

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 17 August 2009 3.09pm

To: Shannon

Subject: Rescheduling coffee cup duties

Shannon, can I swap my rostered coffee cup cleaning duty this afternoon for Thursday? I have been busy all day working, not looking at pictures of Johnny Depp on the internet, and not had time to familiarise myself with correct coffee cup cleaning requirements. I am happy to reschedule my meetings tomorrow to undertake a training session on dish washing detergent location and washcloth procedures with you if you have the time. I feel it would be quite helpful if prior to the training session you prepared some kind of Powerpoint presentation. Possibly with graphs. Will I need to bring my own rubber gloves or will these be provided?

David

From: Shannon

Date: Monday 17 August 2009 3.20pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Rescheduling coffee cup duties

Whatever.

[.gorgz]

I got one but, read the whole thing otherwise you won't get it..

An old lady walks into a bank with $125,000 and goes to the bank teller, 'I want to deposit my money' and the bank teller says she needs to call out her manager to deposit that amount of money, so the manager comes out and asks the old lady, 'how did she get a hold of so much money'

The old women replied 'I like to place a lot of bets'

The bank manager told her 'that there would be a $25,000 fee to deposit that whole amount'

so the old lady asked the manager if he was a betting man, he told her he liked to place an odd bet here and there, so she challenged him to a bet, 'I bet you $25,000 that by 4 30 tomorrow afternoon that your balls would be square' she said to him, the bank manager knew it was impossible, so he accepted the bet, knowing he'd be 25 grand richer.

The next day at 4 30 the old lady walks into the bank with a lawyer coz it was a lot of money to place on a bet, and the bank manager knew she meant business so he dropped his pants and let the old lady examine his package to confirm, when the lawyer started to slam his head against the wall in the bank.. the bank teller asked the old lady 'whats wrong with your lawyer?', she replied 'I bet him $100,000 that I'd have your balls in my hand by the end of the day'

[DJKOR]

Annoying Things To Do On An Elevator:

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"

2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5) MEOW occasionally.

6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly

7) SAY -DING at each floor.

8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.

9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."

11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."

14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"

18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"

19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.

21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.

22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

[SuperDave]

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk,

'Brother, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,

'Have you found Jesus me brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk,

'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?

[SuperDave]

Three Kick Rule'

A city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to t he midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

[SuperDave]

A bloke's on a short holiday, driving around the outback of Queensland and he sees a sign in front of a broken down old bush house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '. Curious, he rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog, "Ginger", is in the yard out the back.

The bloke goes into the backyard and sees an unremarkable looking Blue Heeler sitting there.

'Can you talk, Ginger?' he asks, not expecting a response.

'Yep,' the dog replies.

After the bloke recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story, pooch?'. The Blue Heeler looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to contribute to public safety, so I told ASIO. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one reckoned a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight straight years. But the jetting around really knackered me, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Cairns airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a load of medals.' 'I got married, had a heaps of puppies, and now I'm just retired and back home.'

The bloke's astounded. He rushes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the owner replies.

'Ten dollars? Ginger's incredible! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that.