Conversations with cops

[RoM2nV]

Found these on SAU

I always have the most ridiculous encounters with cops. It may have something, if not a lot to do with my smart mouth.

About 3 months ago I was on my way to work at 330am. I was supposed to start at 3. Now I wasn't speeding, but I also wasn't breaking for corners. 60 zones = 60 at all times when you're late for work.

Anyway, this cop lights up the blue and red disco and I pull over. I was driving my Daewoo Ceillo, and this thing looks and drives like bomb, because... it is one... no argument from me there. Anyway, point to that is. The car is so **** that the windows don't even work. So when I pulled over, I slowly opened the door, and got out of the car slowly so it didn't look like I was doing the bolt, and waited for him.

The cop leaps out of his car screaming "WHAT DID YOU GET OUT OF THE CAR FOR?!"

me: well I figured you were going to ask me for I.D an.....

him (cutting me off): what's that got to do with anything?!?!?

I have a HUGE gripe with people not letting me finish my sentences, I REALLY hate being cut off. ****s me big time, so it was pretty much the end of the "nice" conversation for me at this point.

me: well my windows don't work... so unless you want me to feed my I.D out the air vents...

him: you trying to get smart with me?

me: that'd be a one-sided conversation wouldn't it?

him: WHAT?! Are you calling me stupid?!

me: wooooaaaahhhh now, ease up. I didn't say YOU were stupid. I said it'd be a one-sided conversation. How do you know I'M not stupid and I might fear that you'd express yourself far too intelectually for me to understand? Interesting that you jumped to you being stupid though... did I hit a nerve?

him: *growl* do you know you've got a tail light out?

me: I do now

him: what do you mean "now"?

me: well I don't often follow myself down the street, so I have a hard time seeing the back of my car. Now that you've pointed out to me that I have a tail light out though, I can fix it.

him: why is your rego sticker out of date?

me: because I'm still waiting on QLD transport to send me the new one that I've paid for

him: so where's the new one?

me: ask Australia post

him: What?!

me: well, I've paid for it. QLD Transport have sent it... and now it's with the middle man. So whatever truck or depot it happens to be in, I'm not sure. But at some point I'm sure they'll bring it to me and then I can put it on the windscreen.

him: you got proof your rego is paid up?

me: yeah, in my internet banking

him: well let me see it

me: do you have a laptop?

him: WHAT?!

me: I don't take my computer to work with me. They get all pissy about it. something about... we don't do work or something. I wasn't really paying attention to them at the time, I was playing on the computer. But I got the gist of it. No laptops.

by this stage this dude hates me. glaring like a sonofabitch and from what I could tell under the street lights, was getting pretty red faced with anger

him: what are you even doing out at this hour anyway?

me: I'm on my way to work. I'm actually running late for work.

him: Work? oh i'm supposed to believe that am I?

me: why not? You're at work.

him: that's totally different.

me: why? other people work at this hour you know. have you never heard of shift workers?

him: that's bull****. there's only two kinds of people out at this hour. Drunks and Drug dealers.

me: ... so which one are you?

him: WHAT??!?!?

me: which one are you? you said only two kinds of people are out. drunks and drug dealers. you didn't say, drunks, drug dealers, cops, and people on their way to work. you said two kinds, so that rules out both of our stories. so which one are you? I mean ****, if I was going to deal drugs a cop car would be the perfect cover. Get a cheap Falcon, make up some stickers, get some fairy lights from crazy clarks. BAM! six figure income son.

him: .... THAT'S IT! I'M SEARCHING THE CAR!

me: yeah, go for it. But I tell ya what. If you don't find anything. I expect a written letter of apology for both making me even later for work for no reason other than because you want to. And, for all the assumptions you've jumped to since the moment you stepped out of your vehicle.

him (about to tear my head off): GET OUT OF MY DAMN SIGHT!!!

me (with a smart ***** grin on my face): no worries, I'll leave you to your deals.

at this point I gave him one of those winks where you make a sort of cliking noise with your mouth, and mimic a gun with your fingers.

He stormed back to his car and tore off into the night. Probably to annoy some other poor *****.

I had this guy so ****** off the whole time, that he never even remembered to get my I.D. hahahaha

This is what ALL my police encounters are like Birds. I think part of it is my smartass mouth, and the other part is the fact that I have tattoos up both my arms. So they're probably not too trusting of me the minute that they see me. That's profiling. And it's wrong

Anyway - here's another one for you.

My very first car was a VW Super Beetle. It was a hybrid 73/74 so it had some parts from both models. The fun part about that car though was that it had a 2L Subaru engine in it. The problem with that car? It was brightass candy pink. That's right. Pink. Shutup. I'm not proud of it. I did eventually paint it white, but it was pink for like 3 months.

Anyway, at one point the engine was running so rich that if you revved the tits off it, flames would shoot out the tail pipes. Honest to god. Flames. That was a pretty impressive sight at night. Flames out of four tail pipes. Was kinda like an F-111 doing a dump and burn just... a lot more... pink.

It used to be great for people who decided to sit right up my ***** in either traffic, or sitting at the lights. Those people **** me. So one day this Red Commonwhore was up my ***** for AGES finally hit a two lane road and he hauls ***** past me. He gets stuck behind someone turning (karma's a bitch ) and I go past him again and I get down to the red light. So I'm stopped at the lights waiting for them to change and this same commonwhore stops right up my *****. By this time I've had enough of this *****, so I let him taste some flame

*VRRRRROOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM*

*WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSHHHHHH*

Lemme tell ya something. Revving engine and shooting flames Vs Lights and Siren on unmarked cop car. Lights and Sirens win

Through the intersection I pull over and they pull up behind me. Both of them get out of the car and walk down to me (giving the rear of the car a wide berth for some reason *shrug*)

*window down*

Cop: Afternoon, Sir. May I see some I.D please? *I hand it over* Do you know why we pulled you over today?

Me: I'm just going to go out on a limb here... and say it has something to do with fire...

Cop: Good guess. Mind explaining that one to me?

the other cop is walking around the car checking rego etc

Me: Explaining fire to you? Sorry... does my licence still say "scientist"? I told them to change that. It's pronounced "Harrison"

Cop: *death glare* not explain the concept of fire to me! I meant explain why your car shot f**king fire at my car!!

Me: Oooohhhh right! You didn't specify! It shot fire because you followed and stopped far enough up my ***** that you may as well have been driving my car.

Cop: Come again? (I always have to remember with the cops to NOT say "that's what she said")

Me: Come on man. How close were you to me?!

Cop: What has that got to do with fireballs shooting out the back of your car?!

Me: It's an anti-tailgate system.

Cop: Why do I get the feeling that's not factory standard?

Me: ...depends on the factory...

Cop: I should be writing you a ticket right now, and putting this vehilce off the road. It's just beyond dangerous, and beyond stupid.

Me: Like tailgating? Or stopping too close to someone at a set of lights so when they take their foot off the brake to put it on the accelerator and release the clutch they have no roll room at all? I'm sure that if you check the QT guidlines, you'll find that you need to stop far enough away from someone to allow for that. Not everyone has a car with an autotragic transmission. Some of us still drive real cars.

Cop: Whether or not I was or wasn't following too closely is not the issue here

Me: Why not? Because you're a cop?

Cop: Are you trying for TWO tickets?

Me: Actually I'm trying for none. But if I get one, you should get one too. What you did was dangerous, ignorant, and plain stupid. You can't stop that close to someone. And you certinaly can't follow that close to people too! It's insane! What if I had to slam on the brakes because a kid stepped out? You'd go right up my ***** and probably push me into them. Well I'm not copping a manslaughter charge just because of you're need to drive around with that whole "look how big my ***** is" attitude to driving.

Cop: You're pushing your luck chief...

Me: Fine then. But if this is going to be a case of Goose gets one thing, and Gander gets the other. Then I've got dibs on Gander. Because I'm the one acting like a man here at the moment, because I'm the one who can admit when I'm wrong.

at this point, the guys partner just loses his **** and doubles over with laughter. The guy talking to me goes red as with embarassment. There's a very long, rather uncomfortable silence once the laughter ends.

My licence gets handed back to me with a ticket. No fine, but I have to have my car checked within 48 hours by the Transport Dept. so they can witness that it's no longer shooting fire basically.

Luckily he pulled me over about 5 blocks from my mechanic at the time. I drove down there showed him the ticket, told him what happened. He ****** himself laughing, and did a quick check over the car and did whatever it was he did that stopped the car shooting fire.

I drove out to the Transport workshop and got them to look at it. The girl there asked what happened, I told her. She laughed. She passed the car and gave me a notice saying it was fine.

Then I had to go down to the police station and show the guy my notice from Transport so they didn't put out an APB or something. Showed the guy, he gave me the whole "I know your car now, and I know you, and I'll be watching blah blah blah fear me raaahh!!" talk that they love to give you. I pretty much ignored the whole thing and when he was done I held up my hand and silently held up one finger, then two, then three. Each on on the second. He looked at me completely confused and said "what was that meant to be?"

I told him that was the correct following distance for future reference. To find a fixed object on the side of the road. When the car in front's rear bumper passes that object, count to three, at three, or after three, your FRONT bumper bar should then pass that object. If it's before three. Expect some fireballs

He told me in no uncertain terms to get the f**k out his station lol.

Oh and one more short one while it's fresh in my mind.

Got pulled over at an RBT one night.

Cop: Evening, Sir. Just a random breath test this evening

Me: Not a problem

Cop: Do you have your ID there please?

Me: Sure, there you go

Cop: Ok, Mr. Harrison. Have you had anything to drink tonight?

Me: Oh hell yeah, I've been drinking since about 6 (it was about 1am. now what he didn't realise was that I didn't mean non-alcoholic drinking... but he didn't ask had I had any alcohol )

Cop: Excuse me?! You've been drinking solidly since 6pm?

Me: Yeah... well give or take half an hour.

the poor ***** looked like he was about to fall over from shock of someone admiting to drinking for 5 hours and being behind the wheel of the car

Cop: I need you to turn off the engine, and step out of the car

Me: Rightio *engine off, out I get* do I need to blow into one of those little tube dealies?

Cop: Yes please. Continue to blow until I tell you to stop

this was one of the times where i DID say "That's what she said" it didn't go down well

Cop: You think this situation is funny do you sir?

Me: No... but it was a good cool

Cop: Blow into the bag.

*I do the little breath test thing* - oh look... a Zero haha

Cop: Sorry, I need you to do that again, It didn't work.

Me: Why didn't it work?

Cop: Just do it agian please

*another zero*

Cop: What exactly were you drinking tonight?

Me: Umm... ginger ale mostly... oh! and lemonade!

Cop: I ASKED YOU IF YOU'D HAD ANYTHING ALCOHOLIC TO DRINK!!!

Me: Actually, you didn't specify alcohol. And I don't lie to the police. You asked if I'd been drinking, and I had, so I told you I had.

Cop: You ******. Next time you get stopped at an RBT, we only care about alcohol. Got it?

Me: Roger that. So I can go now... yeah?

Cop: *sigh* yes... f**k off.

just got my first car (datsun) and had a worn clutch - i was going through adelaide to my mates work to fit a puk in replacement. i went round a corner, the clutch slipped, the car revved hard and nothing happened, but the back wheels chirpped going over the tram tracks so it sounded like i was attempting to do a skid (well crossed my mind at the time) and sped up to 60 (when you could do 60 everywhere...) and followed a slower moving festiva with an elderly woman driver and passenger.

immediately blue and red lights behind me so i pull over shaking like a leaf (remember i just got the car and was like 17)

cop: "License please" (gentle but stern voice)

i provide the officer with my provisionals, and he gets me to lift my sunglasses checking my eyes (dunno how i passed that test lol)

long silent pause...

cop:where is the fire?

me: umm err umm err

the car infront pulls over aswell freaking out thinking the cop was pulling them over. as they try and pull of to the side of the road they constantly grind gears attempting to park neatly - which they never needed to do anyway..

the cop proceeds to grill me over my poor driving skills and even more poor choice of location to display them.

right about now i feel 3 ft tall and 1/2 covered in screaming constable spit wanting to cry for my mother

noticing the granny still attempting to park (after 3 mins of the cop pulling me over) he screams at them to move on and turns his attention back to me - continuing with the "you idiot" speech

the granny in the festiva must have missunderstood the officer's instructions and is now attempting to park the car in a vacant 45` on street park just infront of us.

as this cop is going gun-ho at me, my attention turns to the festiva driver who has missjudged the turn-in and has now bumped the car with her passenger side door.

the cop asks why i'm not paying attention

me: "um er you better see this..." and i pointed to the festiva.

the cop angrily turns to the festiva as i interrupted his speech just intime to see the driver remove the parked car's bumper

the cop runs up to the car and screams instructions throught the window to go to the nearest police station and report the insident, then he returns once again back to the driver's side window of my car and continues to address me assertively.

before he opens his mouth there is a loud thud and crack as the festiva removes its own front bumper and the rear bumper on the parked car to its drivers side.

the cop looks at me and gently says "get out of here, i cant tell you off when THIS is happening, i'll be keeping an eye out for you so dont ever let me see you again!

i start the car, engage first, drive off and take a wide berth around the now crushed and crumpled festiva with no front or rear bumbers, the car to the passenger side with no rear bumber and smashed tail light, the car to the driver's side of the festiva missing a rear tail light and a massive dent with bare metal from the wing mirror to the boot, and the cop stomping his way to thre driver screaming "WHAT THE f**k DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!"

LOL, even if these are fake they made me laugh!

[trentmeyer23]

LOL I was laughing so hard my fiancee told me to shut up

[DJKOR]

LOL. Those are so funny you have to think twice whether it's true or not.

[Guest]

even if they aren't true... they made me ***** myself laughing.

[Get Funke]

haha!!!!!!

i've only read the first one so far but it's gold.

will get the others later.

anyways, i remember reading that someone got out of a ticket by saying

"I NEED TO GO TO THE TOILET"

chucks a massive wet one that he held in for a while

"Go man! go!" - cop

i read it on mydadisfob.com but it seems real.

[glamachickybabe]

real or not, stories of cops getting shat on are funny as hell, ive had a fair few dramas with police, but whats another story ;)

I need more of these stories to reach daily satisfaction ahah :)

Gives me ideas next time i get pulled over now as i have a stock non-defectable car at the moment haha :P

[Lawz]

bahaha epic!

[cruzer]

they are so god damn funny my parents were yellin at me to shutup

[LEGEND888]

damn they are a good read, specially after a long day of work :)

[Shahzan]

this is a good read after a long day of work/school... post some more, i wanna read more.. lol

[67Rolla - Ken]

Very funny

[RoM2nV]

Ok boys heres the original thread :)

http://www.skylinesaustralia.com/forums/Of...est-t33101.html

[Guest]

epic thread, here is my story....

Back in the day, i owned a 3rd gen celica, it was pretty much stock.

I had only had it on the road for about a week, when one night i was sitting up town (main st. of bundaberg) talking to some mates.

one of my mates, who had been drinking decided he wanted to sit in my car, so he stumbles over to it, and hops in the drivers seat...

at the same time, coppers are coming down the road, they get about 2m past my car, reverse up and park next to it.

they hop out and procede to ask who's car it was, i say 'its my car officer' they ask who is in the drivers seat, and i say, just a mate of mine.

they walk over to him, take one look at him and ask him to blow in the breathalizer... of course he is over the limit... so they tell him he is guilty of drin driving.

I then go to the police, 'umm, he isnt driving' they say 'he is in control of a motor vehicle, because he is in the driver seat' and i say 'how is he meant to go anywhere without the keys' which i then pull out of my pocket.

(meanwhile, across the road, some drunk dude is ****** on a building)

my mate is ****** himself by this stage and pointing at the guy peeing., they copper says to me angrily 'we will need to breath test you then' i say go right ahed (smirking, cause of the guy across the road)' they copper asks me whats so funny, and i point across the road and say 'rather than test me, you might want to go and see what that guy is up to'

he looks around and bolts across the road... his partner drives the car round and they arrest old mate across the road.

the whole thing was pretty funny to witness.

[Twin_Cam_Z]

ohh LOVE these stories

well for my story:

tonight, i came across a booze bus around 8:30ish in perth!

so pull up to the officer

cop: mate ur fog lights are on!

me: ehh, their driving lights, been on ever since i had the car (lie)

cop: well i consider em as fog lights and i dont see any fog, so they shouldnt be on

me: fair enough, i purchased "driving lights", and thats what i consider em to be so, their staying on

cop: u realise thats a 100 dollar fine

me: *flick switch* what's a 100 dollar fine??

cop: thsoe lights!

me:what lights

cop: the fogs

me: their not even on man!!!

cop: well next time it'll be 100 bucks mate

me: thats IF, U catch me next time

then he goes to Breathalyze me!

i blow a 0.00

cop:been drinking at all tonight?

me:nope, hence me driving

cop: sure u havnt been drinking

me:im sure, cos i dont drink, and anyway isnt it too early to be drunk??

cop:mate imma need u to pull up on the median strip (pretty much where all the DUI drivers get sent to)

me: what?...so im drink driving am i??

cop: nope, just gonna do a routine check.

me:routine, since when do u guys have this as part of ur routine

cop: mate please just pull ur car onto the median strip

so i pulls up

cop: u aware u have neons in ur car??

me: nah never seen em before!

cop: dont be smart with me!

me: im not the one asking stupid questions!

cop: well i could do u for those lights

me:since when, i get pulled over regularly and no-ones ever had a problem

cop: yea well, their not legal

me: *flick switch* alright their off!! can i go now??

cop: imma need to check ur license first mate

me: why?

cop: just for protocol

me:what protocol??

so he check my license and realises im a P-Plater

then he asks me where my P-plates are....i had to get out the car and point out to him that their displayed on the windows!!!!

and he gives me a threat that im lucky i had em on cos that'd be 50 bucks per plate!

after some more chattering, he then decides to have a go at my tint...which hasnt been a problem yet!

and then he goes to the extreme...Is this car turbo'd

me: have u ever seen or heard a turbo car before, firstly theres no intercooler, stock standard exhaust without any aftermarket mufflers, no boost gauge or any after market gauges for that matter and my car is as quiet as anything, and to top it off, this car wouldnt be able to handle a turbo as it is! So no i dont have a turbo!!

after a good 20-30 minutes of being a smart *****, i was finally allowed to drive on!

up untill today i thought a booze bus ment that u get brethalyzed and if u come up clean u get to go!

[Lydia]

That's funny, anyway, we need to watch out! Don't drive it too fast, especially for women like me, haha, n also for your safety :)