JOKES !!!!

[blue_rolla]

these jokes are getting sicker! :P

[mtbrider]

Mick went to confession and told the priest that he had had and affair with a loose woman.

The priest demanded to know who the loose women was but Mick advised he could not tell him to protect the woman.

Was it Mary asked the priest, No said Mick, Was it Susan, No said Mick, Was it Jane , No said Mick, Was Marie, No said Mick Then it must have been Bernadette said the priest. No said Mick I can not tell you. The priest then said for his sins and to repent he could not come back to church for 4 months.

Later that day Mick's mate asked him how he went at confession. Great replied Mick I got 5 good prospects and 4 months off.

[mtbrider]

Little Johnny's next door neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the

little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the

hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and

see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise

crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk

with Little Johnny before going to the neighbours. He said, "Now,

son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on

your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really

going to spank your butt when we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny. At the

neighbour's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the

baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful

little baby!" The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment,

was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little

feet.

Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?"

The mother a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes...his doctor

said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause he'd be f**ked if

he needed to wear glasses"

[Dead]

A wife told her husband to go down to the video store and hire out 'Scent of a Woman'.

He came back with 'A Fish Called Wanda'

[mtbrider]

There were two golfers on golf course and one pulls out a cigarette and asks the other for a light.

His friend pulls out a twelve inch Bic lighter. "Wow, where did you get such a large Bic?"

"Oh my genie got it for me."

"Your genie? You have a genie? Where is he?.

"He's in my golf bag."

The friend says "Can I see him?." His friend says "yes sure!" So the friend looks in the golf bag and out comes the genie; "I am your masters best friend. Will you grant me one wish." The genie says Yes, just one wish. So the man wishes for a million bucks. The genie goes back in the golf bag without saying a word.

Pretty soon the sky starts turning dark. Then it gets even darker. The man looks up and sees a million ducks flying overhead. He gets really upset and says "what is the matter with your genie? Is he hard of hearing? I said a million bucks not a miilion ducks."

His griend says to him "did you really think I asked for a twelve inch Bic?."

[DHC09]

Blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says: "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storm upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten *****," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

[69.NIX]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that

"something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment

referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click here: http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

[shmicko]

After I lit up a smoke just after sex, my girlfriend turned around and told me I was a pervert!? I was shocked... I looked at her and said 'Pervert? that's a big word for a 10 year old.

Damn! That's pretty F@!*ed up! I have a feeling SWAT's gonna bust through my windows and take my computer away. ROFL

-shmick

[GtiRboy]

lol, that is sick schmicko hahahahaha

[shmicko]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[mtbrider]

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's licence. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 68 kilos."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

[RedLiner]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunatly, the saloon’s regulars had a habit of picking on strangers. When the cowboy finished his drink he went out to his horse. Not to his suprise his horse wasnt there. He went back in, handily flipped his gun in the air, caught it, and shouted loudly, "All right, I’m gonna get another drink, and by the time I go back out, I want my horse to be there or I’m gonna be forced to do what I did in Texas!" The cowboy, true to his word, had a beer and walked outside to find that his horse was there. The bartender walked out with him and said tenativley, "Say, partner. Before you go, can I ask what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned and said, "I had to walk home."

[Guest JDM y0 !]

^^^^^^^

LOL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mtbrider]

Legend has it that there is a bar in Adelaide where, in the ladies room, there is a very special mirror.

If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish.

However, if one tells a lie... Pooof. They are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

Sooooo, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room, stands before the mirror and says,

"I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." Pooof. The mirror swallows her.

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says,

"I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." Pooof. The mirror swallows her.

Then, an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." Pooof....

[ASG14]

HAHA! Thats wrong!

[CORZZA]

BBQ Etiquette (for Dummies.......!)

After 4 long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the braai the following chain of events are put into motion: Routine...

1) The woman buys the food.

2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN . More routine.....

The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

[mtbrider]

In the beginning, the plan for a divine human design was painstakingly implemented.

"The nerve endings," said St Peter, "how many will I put in her hands?"

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

"Two hundred, O Mighty One."

"Then we shall do the same for the woman."

"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals, O Mightiest?"

"How many did we put in Adam?"

"Four hundred & twenty, O Mighty One."

"Oh yeah, now I remember, we wanted Adam to have a little fun procreating, didn't we? Do the same for woman."

"Yes, O Great Lord."

"Wait! Hold it. Pete, Give her ten thousand. It'd be a hoot to hear her scream out my name..."

[DHC09]

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "*** save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.

There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, a55hole!"

Fun stuff

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(Awesome!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig... LUCKY **** PIG!!)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

(Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the Male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm.....)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains

(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

Edited December 7, 2006 by DHC09

[shags]

Gday all..

I guess this pic says it all for me,,,{Except for the booze}..LOL

Craig / Shags

[DHC09]

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not his most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

Pointing to a young woman in the front row the professor asked, "Do you know what your a55 hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

And the young woman replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

[DHC09]

Man Laws :D

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.

c. After wrecking your boss's car.

d. When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man While lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!

b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting In line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24:The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the a55 and having the balls to say, "You're next!

Edited December 14, 2006 by DHC09

[shags]

Whats the difference between Thomas the tank engine & Lady Di?

Thomas made it thru the tunnel

craig

[DHC09]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

Merry Xmas everyone!

[DHC09]

Redneck Pickup Lines

1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

3) My Love for you is like diarrhea .. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"

Woman - "WHAT?"

Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

13) Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

[DHC09]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Dodge SRT-4 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the SRT. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,

"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how can I make 39,675 a year, a pretty small salary, and you get the really big bucks, $1,695,759, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...

''Try doing it with the engine running."