JOKES !!!!

[DHC09]

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."

[DHC09]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,

"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,

"Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of an ice cream store.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

[DHC09]

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they have "covertly" funded a project with the the U.S. auto makers for the past 5 years whereby the auto makers were installing black-box voice recorders in 4-wheel drive pickup trucks & SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances of the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 45 of 50 states, the recorded last words of the drivers in 61.2% of the fatal crashes were, " OH S==T!"

Only the states of Texas, Arkansas, Mississippi, Louisiana & Alabama were different where 89.3% of the final words were "HOLD MY BEER, I'M GONNA TRY SOMETHIN'"!!!

[Jen]

Police have found a man dead on the floor of his icecream van, covered in sprinkles. They believe he topped himself.

[akim4]

Kind of americanised.. but still pretty funny:

AUDI- Always Unsafe Designs Implemented.

BMW-Big Money Works.

* Brutal Money Waster.

* Bimbette Motor Weapon.

* Break My Window.

BUICK-Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer.

CHEVROLET- Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips.

* Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time.

* Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time.

*Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology.

DODGE-Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere.

*Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere.

*Dead or Dying Gas Eater.

*Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express.

FIAT- Failure in Italian Automotive Technology.

*Fix It All the Time.

*Fix it again, Tony!

FORD - First On Recall Day.

*Fixed Or Repaired Daily.

*First On Rust and Deterioration.

*Fix Or Repair Daily.

*Found On Road, Dead.

*Fast Only Rolling Downhill.

*Features O.J. and Ron's DNA.

*Found On Russian Dump.

GM- General Maintenance.

* Great Mistake.

* GMC- Garage Man's Companion.

* Got A Mechanic Coming?.

HONDA - Had One Never Did Again.

HYUNDAI-Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

MAZDA- Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along.

OLDSMOBILE-Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind *Infuriatingly Late Everywhere.

Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment.

PINTO - Put in new transmission often.

PONTIAC - Poor old Neanderthal thinks its a Cadillac.

SAAB-Send Another Automobile Back.

*Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

*Sorry ****d Auto Builders.

TOYOTA-Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto.

VOLVO- Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object.

*Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners.

VW-Virtually Worthless.

[skriblez]

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I want a bourbon and............... coke"

The bartender asks "what's with the huge pause?"

The bear says, "I've had them all my life."

[DHC09]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a drivers license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[mtbrider]

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a religious healing program on tv.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the tv and the other on the body part they wanted healed.

Grandma hobbled to the tv and put one hand on the tv and the other on her arthritic hip.

Grandpa made his way to the set and put one hand on the tv and the other on his crotch.

Grandma looked at him with disgust: You just don't understand, you old coot. the purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead!

[05sportivo]

Little Johnny walks in on his mother in the shower.

Little Johnny: Mum what's that black hairy thing between your legs.

Johnny's Mum: Umm, that's my "Black Sponge" love.

The next week Little Johnny's mum had to have a gynocologial examination and they had to shave. When Little Johnny gets home his mother is in the shower.

Little Johnny: Mum What happened to your "Black Sponge"?

Johnny's Mum: I lost it love, i don't know where i lost it but i lost it.

Little Johnny: Oh ok, well i'll go get all my friends and we'll go look for it for you.

When Little Johnny gets home 4 hours later his mother is in the kitchen.

Little Johnny: Hey Mum, We found your black sponge..... The lady next door was cleaning Daddies face with it.

[Leroy]

A young girl asks her mother where babies come from...

Mother: "Darling, sometimes when a mummy and daddy love each other very much, they have sex"

Child: "Sex? What do you do there?"

Mother: "When mummy and daddy love each other, daddy stick his pen1s in mummy's vag1na... and 9 months later, mummy gets a baby"

Child: "Well the other day i came past your room and saw daddy putting his pen1s in your mouth, mum. What do you get from that?"

Mother: (brief pause)"... Jewelry!!!!"

[mtbrider]

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts,

In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm,

In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit,

After fifty, they are like onions.'

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,

'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard,

In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable,

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'

[mtbrider]

Why Men don't write advice comments.

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

Edited December 19, 2007 by mtbrider

[arnold]

as my sig states!!!

[DHC09]

Fun domain names.

1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity: www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island: www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder: www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company: www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for computer software: www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church: www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers: www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? www.gotahoe.com

[mtbrider]

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night, I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked: "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

[mtbrider]

So there's this guy who meets a girl in a bar. They talk most of the night and arrange to get together the next night for a date. He tells her he'll come by about 7:00pm on his motorcycle that he's buying tomorrow.

So, he goes and buys this bike, but it's an older bike. The guy he's buying it from tells him to get some Vaseline to put on the points when it rains to keep them from rusting. So he stops at the drugstore on the way to this girl's house and gets some Vaseline.

He gets to the girl's house and is invited in to dinner with her parents and younger sister. His date tells him "We have a rule in this house. Whoever talks first at dinner has to do ALL the dishes." He looks around and there are dishes piled EVERYWHERE, ceiling to floor, new dishes in the shelves cause they buy new ones because no one has talked at dinner for several years. He's thinking "Damn. I gotta make somebody talk, or I'm gonna get stuck doing all these dishes."

They get to the dinner table and he's trying to think of how to make somebody talk. So, he leans over and starts kissing his date. Her dad sees this and is obviously annoyed, but doesn't say a word.

Seeing this isn't working, the guy starts French-kissing her at the table. Dad's really annoyed now, but still doesn't say anything.

He's thinkin, "Hmmm. Try something else." So he grabs his date's Mom and starts fondling her breasts. Dad's mad as HELL now, but still doesn't say anything. He starts looking around the room trying to find his shotgun ... still not a word, though.

Just then, there's is a big clap of thunder outside. The guy remembers the points on his bike and it's about to rain. He jumps up and grabs the Vaseline. Moving towards the door, he accidently makes eye contact with the Dad. Dad's eyes get big, and he stands up and says, "ALRIGHT!!! I'll do the damn dishes."

[CME-LFT]

3 guys decide to go camping one day, 2 white guys and a black guy.

After a few hours of hitchhiking they decide to have a rest next to a near by lake. The first white feeling a little sweety under the hot summer sun decided to go for a swim but before he jumped in,he thought he might check the temperature of the water first.

So he walks over to the lake, unzips his fly and drops his **** in. "ooww" he goes, "i think its around 5degrees in there". His mate the 2nd white guy happend to hear him and said "That cant be right, it a pretty warm day, let me have a go". So he walks over to the lake, unzips his pants and drops his **** in.

"Ooww" he says, "its cold but i disagree, i think its 10degrees. Anyway the black guy happens to overhear the two of them talking about how cold the water is, so he decides to give it a go. He walks over to the lake, unzips his pants and drops his **** in. "Ooww" he says, "well i cant tell you how cold it is, but i can tell you that its exactly one metre deep!"

[Slurdog]

What did the lepper say to the hooker after he'd finished his business?

Keep the tip.

[CME-LFT]

Elton john goes to a tatoo parlour and says, "i want a rolls royce tattooed on my ****". tattooist says, "betta make that a nissan patrol with the amount of s**t it goes through!

[mrs.sportivo]

theres a husband and wife and there in bed, the man's reading a book while the wifes knitting

the husband then started to finger the wife

the wife replies " you want sex? "

the husband then goes " nah i jus wanted to wet my finger to turn the page "

HAHAHAHAHAHA

[mrs.sportivo]

watch this too :D

[DHC09]

How to Handle Annoying Seatmates on an Airplane

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you, follow these instructions:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Start up.

4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.

5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky and move your lips like you are praying .

6. Then hit this link.

[saintly]

How to Handle Annoying Seatmates on an Airplane

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you, follow these instructions:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Start up.

4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.

5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky and move your lips like you are praying .

6. Then hit this link.

ROFL!!! just hope that you don't get pinned down for re-enacting a terrorist :D

[mrs.sportivo]

one day kid 16 yrs or so comes home to find his step-dad screwing his mom, the dad looks over his shoulder n winks at he kid and keeps going at it.

the kid goes up to his room traumatised at what he just saw but after a few hours decides something must be done.

so a few hours later dad walks up the stairs opens the kids door and see's the kid banging grandma, kid looks at the dad, winks and says "haaa aint so funny when its ur mum is it."

[wishbone]

one day kid 16 yrs or so comes home to find his step-dad screwing his mom, the dad looks over his shoulder n winks at he kid and keeps going at it.

the kid goes up to his room traumatised at what he just saw but after a few hours decides something must be done.

so a few hours later dad walks up the stairs opens the kids door and see's the kid banging grandma, kid looks at the dad, winks and says "haaa aint so funny when its ur mum is it."

lol....wats up with and sex jokes..u seem to be full of em :P