JOKES !!!!

[DHC09]

An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No,' he replies, 'I have this latest, state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'

The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?

[DHC09]

If you don't get it, look up Rick Roll

[KnepRA28]

A man goes into confessional and says to priest "im sorry father but i found a nun that i like alot.... is it ok to kiss her?"

The priest replies "once is ok but just dont get into the habit."

[trdwanab]

SING IT GIRLS!!! OUT LOUD TO THE TUNE OF "I WILL SURVIVE"

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!

But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,

That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on...

But there you are, another lie,

I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!

I should have known that it was bulls***t,

just a sad pathetic dream

Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans!

Go on now-go! , Walk out the door,

Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!

Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?

Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!

[Chorus]

I will survive! I will survive!

Cuz as long as I have batteries,

My sex life's gonna thrive!

I will always have good sex,

With a handful of latex!

I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,

When I saw your little wiener standing tall and proud!

But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,

Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!

[Chorus]

I will survive! I will survive!

Cuz as long as I have batteries,

My sex life's gonna thrive!

I will always have good sex,

With a handful of latex!

I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

[trdwanab]

*topic goes quiet*

Hope I didn't offend anyone. Lol.

[DJKOR]

Well... I think the silence was probably more not knowing what to say in response.

[mrs.sportivo]

on the topic

A litte boy and girl where walking to school together and the girl asked "what is a pen15?" and the boy sayed "i dont know"

so when the kid got home he asked his dad "what is a pen15"

so his dad whipped his out and sayed "son this is a *****.infact its a perfect pen15"

so the next day the little boy says "i know what a pen15 is"

so he whipped his out in front of the little girl and says "this is a pen15.infact if it was 2 inches SMALLER it would be a perfect pen15"

[MzZ Sportivo]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[DHC09]

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Kinston , North Carolina . After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

[TRIPPER]

Chuck Norris CAN judge a book by its cover.

[ultradust]

really funny! keep it up! :D

[DHC09]

An elephant asked a camel "Why do u have boobs on your back?"

The camel replied, "Dude that's a good question for a guy who has a pen1s on his face."

[DHC09]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting: "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch .."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

"SH!T" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

[DHC09]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

[atasha]

great jokes!

keep the ideas comin'!

[DHC09]

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer.

So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my a55. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

[DHC09]

Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife Sue, legs spread wide, wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did.

She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested. She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2.00 Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time with Sue at 2:00 PM sharp and after paying her the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised.

Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00 PM and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

A little worried, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly stopped when her husband curtly asked," And did he give you $500?"

In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

[DHC09]

An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during sex.

A caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new lover,so he called his doctor for advice.

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.

He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.

He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.

[DHC09]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[67Rolla - Ken]

[Ascendant Rice]

Yo dawg i heard you liek pen1s jokes so we put a joke in your pants and called it a pen1s

[Blind Kid Seeks]

Yo dawg i heard you liek pen1s jokes so we put a joke in your pants and called it a pen1s

somethings not right with you is it?

[ROL14]

Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:

The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:

That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks:

The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks:

I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

[DHC09]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'

[DHC09]

It was 3 o'clock AM and Stacy and Karrie were leaving the bar, completely plastered.

On the way home, they passed a cemetery and both really had to use the bathroom. So they stopped and popped a squat.

Seeing as there was no toilet paper around, Stacy decided to take off her panties and use them.

Karrie saw a wreath with a ribbon hanging on a tombstone, and snatched it down.

That afternoon, Stacy's husband became concerned when he found her still asleep and called Karrie's husband.

"I'm a little worried, Stacy has never slept in this late, and... well, she doesn't have any underwear on..."

"You think that's bad, Karrie is laying in bed with a card stuck to her ***** that says, 'Hate to see you go, You will always be remembered. Signed the guys at the Fire station'"