JOKES !!!!

[SuperDave]

Weather Forecasting the Australian way.

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in modern community, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'

The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold'.

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?

The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter'.

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold? He asked.

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

[SuperDave]

A new perspective on goverment.

A major research institution (MRI) has recently announced the

discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new

element has been tentatively named Governmentium. Governmentium has 1

neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant

deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles

are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast

quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since governmentium

has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes

every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of

governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete

when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a

normal half-life of three years; it does not decay, but instead

undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons

and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will

actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some

morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to

speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain

quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as

Critical Morass.

[Foss]

Just had this emailed to me. Its club relevent, too!

There was bad news for God this week as the well-known deity was forced to recall thousands of examples of His popular Human Being after reports that the model could be prone to unexpected attacks of unbelievable stupidity.

Initial reports of blithering idiocy emerged from the United States last year but these were thought to be isolated incidents caused by people who are so thick that if a floor mat was touching their accelerator pedal would prefer to scream ‘Aaaaaaargh’ until they drove into a river rather than simply moving the mat backwards with their foot. However, it now seems the monumental stupidity is more widespread and may cause some Human Beings to decide that the best course of action in the event of being in a car with a throttle that won’t release is to telephone someone rather than to, for example, put the car into neutral and bring it to a halt using the brakes as normal.

The Pope, who runs parts of the administration from Rome, is expected to make a full statement shortly. In the meantime, the Archbishop of Canterbury, a senior manager at God’s UK operation, has told reporters that there are almost certainly Human Beings here in Britain that will need to be examined for signs of being so thick that they probably shouldn’t have a driving license in the first place. “It’s too early to say how this might affect people in the UK,” Mr. Canterbury is quoted as saying. “But we have every reason to believe that there are some Human Beings that may be so stupid that if the throttle in their car became stuck, they would never think simply to depress the clutch* and coast to a halt”.

As God seeks to clarify the extent of the stupidity problem and establish how many Human Beings will need to be recalled, theologians have been assessing just what has caused the problem of quite extraordinarily thick behaviour in the first place. “I suspect the problem lies in the rather clever engineering God has given the Human Being,” noted Dr Peter Cockandbull of St Gobain College, Oxford. “The modern Human Being is actually remarkably durable and reliable, capable of lasting well over 80 years, but among its clever systems is something called Cognitive Reasoning. Normally this works very well, but over time Human Beings get used to being spoon fed blindingly obvious information such as those signs on motorways that say ‘fog’, and eventually they can just give up trying to have any discernment or ability to think rationally. Basically, the Human Being becomes a stupid moron.

* (Clutch) An Anglican doctrinal tradition long rejected by most Episcopalians and Anglicans in North America, along with co-religionists, who adhere to the doctrine of Automatism.

[DJKOR]

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[DJKOR]

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following question was given to a group of chemistry students during an exam.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

[DJKOR]

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job.

The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.

Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back."

The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"

From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."

[69.NIX]

Not really a joke, but worth a laugh.

This is for you Corey :)

[SuperDave]

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance — particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as ARL 5.0, AFL 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate House Wife

Dear Desperate House Wife,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: “I Thought You Loved Me.exe” and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the ensuing applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

[johnnieboi]

haha nice. i've read something like this before.. still a great find tho SD

[SuperDave]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned..... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric, the little *****

[SuperDave]

RUDDS SUPER MINING TAX EXPLAINED VIA THE "BEER ECONOMY" FOR THE AVERAGE JOE....

Have a read...

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this;

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.

The fifth would pay $1

The sixth would pay $3

The seventh would pay $7

The eighth would pay $12

The ninth would pay $18

The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59

So, that's what they decided to do..

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with

the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to

reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20". Drinks for the ten men

would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.

So the first four men were unaffected.

They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers?

How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

They realised that $20 divided by six is $3.33.

But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the

sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each

man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the

principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to

work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).

The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four

continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began

to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving," declared the sixth man.

He pointed to the tenth man,"but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar

too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back,

when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get

anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine

sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to

pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have

enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is

how our tax system works.

The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the

most benefit from a tax reduction..

Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may

not show up anymore.

In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is

somewhat friendlier.

[Steven]

[SuperDave]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.

Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.

When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth.

Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!

Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[SuperDave]

Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"

Woman 2: "Yes."

Woman 1: "Was it good?"

Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?"

Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!"

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?"

Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?"

Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

[SuperDave]

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general

managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys

(New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South

Australia) found themselves sitting at

the same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said

without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, "Make mine a VB."

To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of

Beers."

And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on

the planet."

The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed his order:

"I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.

"Well," he said with a shrug, "if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then

neither will I."

[SuperDave]

An American tourist asks an Irishman:

"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:

"If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."

[SuperDave]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was

flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck my

problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to

the Gold Coast Zoo.

They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all

day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ?

I'll give you $100 for your trouble..'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car

and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold

Coast when suddenly he was horrified!!

There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two

chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take

these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over so now we're going to SeaWorld.'

[DJKOR]

LOL at all those Dave... but moreso the first few.

[SuperDave]

Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week, and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers, and was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for fathers day.

Got my wife an iRon for her birthday............ It was around then the fight started......

[DJKOR]

One dark night outside a small town near Christchurch, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into a massive ball of flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire stations for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company managing director rushed to the fireman in charge and said, 'All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire crew that brings them out intact.'

But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters back. Soon more fire crews had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the now panicking managing director shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 for the firemen who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Maori rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Maoris over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleeker fire engines that were parked near the plant and without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Maori old-timers jumped off, right into the flames and fought the huge fire back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never before seen.

Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company’s managing director, overwhelmed with joy, announced that for such a superhuman feat he was again upping the reward to $200,000 and he walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking the Maori chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Well,' said Rangi, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'The first thing we gonna do is fix the brakes on that f*cking truck!'

[DJKOR]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that is a lot!", gasped Mrs Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Then Mrs Smith fainted.

[Noodle Boy]

wondering if this is any good or has previously been posted on...anyways...

a car crash scene occurs in a small town.thank god no one was hurt. witnessors gather around the scene. a photographer comes to the crash scene only to find that a big group was gathering around the car.he thinks of a way to get through the big crowd. he cries out,"that's my relative in the car!"the crowd lets him through, and before he got close to the car he saw that the driver was a donkey.

[Hiro]

wondering if this is any good or has previously been posted on...anyways...

a car crash scene occurs in a small town.thank god no one was hurt. witnessors gather around the scene. a photographer comes to the crash scene only to find that a big group was gathering around the car.he thinks of a way to get through the big crowd. he cries out,"that's my relative in the car!"the crowd lets him through, and before he got close to the car he saw that the driver was a donkey.

There's a punch-line in there somewhere? Either it's a good joke told poorly, or it's just a poor joke (I'm aiming for the latter).

[Noodle Boy]

its a poor joke i guess.i got it from the local newspaper.

[Morequick]

So I have this problem

k this is wats happening,

my parents are out with family friends, and they'll be back any minute so i need your help

see, I volunteer on my sister's softball team (im 22 the girls are 17)

and whatever, i met this girl, her name is Alison, and were going out for a while. We have a lot in common, and sometimes i help her with homework. i helped her with her english essay and she still got a D... this is because her teacher is a prick... anywayz

so she came over like an hour ago, and i really want to lose my virginity, so i ask her to have sex

"no no i cant, its not right" she said, but i told her "dont worry, i know what im doing, ill be done in like 10 seconds, plus ill give you 2 n64 games if you say yes."

So then I gave her Diddy Kong Racing and Ken Griffy Jr. Baseball and we went up to my room. she is a bit confused and scared.

then i think to myself- yo i need lube, right? cuz i heard other people saying you need to lube up her clit otherwise it wont fit in properly.

ok so i have no lube, but i really want to lose my virginity, so i grab some butter from the fridge, but its cold and it wont melt, so i microwaved it for 8 minutes and i put it in a glass and poured it on her cooter, and now shes saying i burned it.

i dont know what to do, my parents are going to be back any minute and shes crying in the bathroom plz help you guys are really smart please help me.

any idea how to shut her up? should i give her another n64 game?