JOKES !!!!

[CORZZA]

[eggbert_99]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum

deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they

don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures

the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a

regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist,

"we don't have any" 'But I always buy it here," says the blonde "Do you

have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist "YES", said the

blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands

it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a

normal stick of underarm deodorant". Annoyed, the blonde snatches the

container back and reads out loud from the container.......... " TO APPLY,

PUSH UP BOTTOM."

[mtbrider]

For the girls

A step by step guide to installing Love on the human machine.

Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running ma'am?

Customer: Let me see... I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

Tech Support: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE However,you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?

Tech Support: What does the message say?

Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?

Tech Support: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem.It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means - "you have to 'LOVE' your own machine before it can "LOVE" others."

Customer: So what should I do?

Tech Support: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

Tech Support: Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

Tech Support: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!

Tech Support: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go.

Customer: Yes?

Tech Support: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet.They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Thank you for your help

[mtbrider]

One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 - 10 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 - 12 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 - 14 centimetres of snow today. You must park..." and the power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset, with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all of us men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[Buddha]

For those of you who are fans of the Dilbert cartoons, here is an excerpt from the DNRC (Dogbert's New Ruling Class) Newsletter. Its a section entitled "InDUHviduals" where people write in with stories about stupid people and the stupid things they say and do ...

"One of my co-workers (who is originally from Arkansas, just FYI) told me one day that he knew for a fact that sex feels better for women than it does for men. I asked, "How do you figure that?" His reply was (and I am not making this up!), "Because when you put your finger in your ear and wiggle it around, it feels better to your ear than it does to your finger." "

[mtbrider]

A man and his wife are watching a championship boxing match on TV.

Early in the second round, one of the fighters goes down for the count. The husband sighs and says, "I'm so disappointed. It was all over in four minutes!"

The wife replies, "Good. Now you know how I feel."

[mtbrider]

A wife comes home early one day and finds her husband in their bed making love to a beautiful, sexy young woman.

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me your faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house and I want a divorce!"

The husband replies, "Just wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened."

"Hmmmmm, I don't know. Well, okay, but it'll be the last thing I ever hear from you. Make it fast, you lying, cheating dog!"

The husband begins to tell his story . .

While I was driving home, this woman stopped me and asked me for a ride. She was so young and defenseless that I went ahead and let her in the car. I noticed she was very thin, well dressed, and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten in three days. With great compassion and caring I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight. The poor thing devoured them. Since she was very dirty, I asked her if she'd like to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were filthy and full of holes, so I threw them away. Since she then needed some clothes, I gave her a pair of jeans you've had for a few years and can no longer wear because they're too tight on you. I also gave her the blouse I gave you on our anniversary that you won't wear because you think I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bug my sister, and I also gave her the boots you bought at that expensive boutique and have worn only once after seeing one of your co-workers wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story.

"The young woman was very grateful to me, and as we were walking to the door she suddenly stopped and turned to me, tears streaming down her face, and said, "Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use?"

[mtbrider]

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her electric wheelchair, and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on two wheels and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman is one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her, and some of the males actually join in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "Stop", he said, in a firm voice "Have you got a licence for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on two wheels Weird Harold popped out in front and shouted "Stop, have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "Carry on madam."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Colin stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand.

"Oh No!" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again."

[mtbrider]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hear$e was followed by a second long black hear$e about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hear$e was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man was so curious that he respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.

"Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hear$e?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

Edited February 9, 2006 by mtbrider

[CORZZA]

little ol lady

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this

problem

with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much.

My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of

fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your

office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell

and are silent." The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and

come back to see me next week." The next week the lady

comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell

you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink

terribly." The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared

up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing

[iNdCeNt]

Bush condom

Edited February 13, 2006 by iNdCeNt

[eggbert_99]

A South African rugby fan, an Australian rugby fan and a New Zealand fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish befbbore your whipping."

The South African fan was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The New Zealander was next up. After watching the South African in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the New Zealander was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The Australian was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!".

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Australian replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

"Tie the Kiwi to my back."

[mtbrider]

Man walks into a bar and see's a sign on the wall saying HAM SANDWICH'S:$2 and next to that a sign saying HAND JOBS: $10. The man surprised, asked the lady at the bar if she gave out the hand jobs.

She said "sure do."

"good", he replied, "wash your hands, I want a ham sandwich!"

[mtbrider]

I was working in the garden last weekend and my wife was about to

take a shower. I realised that I couldn't find the rake.

I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?"

She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking

motion.

Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"

I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - the Rake"

My wife replied that she understands and signals back.

She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast,

Then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.

Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was

that?"

To which she replies,

"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - the Bush" !!!!

[CAP]

Irish Ghost Story

This story supposedly happened in a little town in Ireland,

And even though it may sound like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real!

It was the middle of a very dark and stormy night, a guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking. As the night rolled on, cars were scarce, and no lights lined the street.

The storm was so strong he could barely see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly in the distance he saw the head lights of a car coming towards

him and without any reason it slowed to a stand still beside him.

Without hesitation, the guy hurriedly gets into the car and closes the

door only to realize there is no one sitting behind the wheel. All of a

sudden the car begins to move, the guy looks at the road ahead and

notices a sharp curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. Still in shock, but just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and turns the wheel. Paralysed with

terror,the guy watches how the hand appears every time they approach a curve.

Gathering all the strength he has, the guy grabs the door latch,rolls

out onto the pavement and runs as fast as he can to the nearest town.

Dripping wet and in shock the guy runs into a crowded local bar, asks for two shots of whisky and begins to tell everybody about the horrible

experience he just went through. Everyone is glued in silence and

amazement as they notice the guy shaking, crying but clearly not drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walk into the same bar and in

amazement one says to the other.

"Look Mick, that's the @sshole that got in the car when we were pushing

it!"

Blonde Revenge...

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of

the dice.

She said, "I hope you boys don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed.... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked," What did she roll?"

The other answered," I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Moral - Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

Always pay your rent...

A middle aged business man met a beautiful young large breasted girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for the agreed price of $500.00.

So they did in fact spent the night together, certainly enjoying the reasons for doing so. In the morning, before he left, he told the very sexy young girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."

On the way to the office that morning, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price agreed. So, he decided to send a cheque for $250.00 and enclosed a note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the

amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1. It had never been occupied.

2. There was plenty of heat available.

3. It was small enough to make me cozy and feel like I was at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat,

and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.

I will expect full payment due immediately or I will be forced to hire someone to remove your furniture.

Edited February 27, 2006 by IZZ-FE

[CORZZA]

Never Leave Your Car Unattended After A Break-up...

[mtbrider]

The Pasta Diet

1) You walka pasta da bakery.

2) You walka pasta da candy store.

3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.

And for those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.? It's a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you

[eggbert_99]

just realised the same joke was posted way way way back

[mtbrider]

Oh no hopefully I'm not repeating myself.

Big security push on here at work the jokes have basically stopped being circulated around the office so none to pass on.

I'll have to find another source.

Stay tuned

[blue_rolla]

a mate directed me to this site the other day called http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/

Its pure class... below is the first page of facts... there's about 8 pages...

# When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

# There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

# Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

# Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

# Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

# Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

# There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

# When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

# Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

# Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

# There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

# Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

# Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

# Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

# Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

# Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

# Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

# Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

[mtbrider]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bas tard! You've been playing golf!"

[eggbert_99]

A man boarded a plane at Sydney airport, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the aircraft.

He realised she was heading straight towards his seat, and bingo! she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or holiday?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the

Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States."

The man swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he smiled, "What myths are those?"

"Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed, when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos ... but my friends call me Paddy."

[mtbrider]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said," pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied," the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us too".

No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

[SuperDave]

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in

posts about changing light bulbs.

Five to flame the spell checkers.

Three to correct spelling/grammar flames.

Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

Another six to condemn those six as stupid.

Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.

Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.

Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.

Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of

different light bulbs.

Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.

Three to post about links they found from the URLs

that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in

their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

Five to post to the group that they will no longer

post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs

before posting questions about light bulbs."

Three to tell a funny story about their cat and a

light bulb.

AND

One group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now with something unrelated and start it all over again.

[mtbrider]

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: ``I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to" his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."