JOKES !!!!

[mtbrider]

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank ***," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

[mtbrider]

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a

sex shop.Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few

feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter

and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk,

"Dddooo youuuu hhave dddddiilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing,replies,

"Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.

The old woman then asks, "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk

onnee,tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss;ththiickk that

Vvviiiibbbrrraaatttteeesss?"

The clerk responds, "Yes, we do."

The poor old lady replies, "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu knnnoooww hhhowww tttooo

ttturrrnnn ttthe dddddaaammmmn ttthingggg offffff

Edited May 8, 2006 by mtbrider

[mtbrider]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.Upon her return, her father cussed her.

"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call?

Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru??"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a

ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother,

this gold Rolex and for ye daddy,the sparkling

new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....

and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a 'Protestant'.? Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

[mtbrider]

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed

quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the

garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out

into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and

the wind was blowing 100kph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered

that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back

into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different

anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out

fishing in that"

[mtbrider]

A Father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through innocent eyes. Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. He went to see what work of 9od had captured her attention. He noticed she was watching two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" She asked. "They're mating", her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top", She asked" "Thats a Daddy long Legs", Her father answered. "So the other one is a Mommy Long Legs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear, both of them are Daddy Long Legs". He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. The little girl, looking a bit puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, were not having any of that poofter stuff going on in our garden!" She said.

Edited May 31, 2006 by mtbrider

[mtbrider]

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!"

You're Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with

your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and

then your Mom agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered

that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button,

nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said:

"You've Got Male"

Edited May 13, 2006 by mtbrider

[CORZZA]

[ChArMs_RT142]

[eggbert_99]

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.

A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.

As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.

The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"

The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"

[ChArMs_RT142]

LOL Jase

i cant find any funny jokes only pics lol

[eggbert_99]

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

[eggbert_99]

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer,

he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie."

Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the

bartender at the end of the bar.

A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt."

At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind,"

he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and

there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.

"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.

"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

[eggbert_99]

A drunken guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks

her over.

He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you,Batman!?"

HAHAHHAHA .. this one cracked me up !!

[mtbrider]

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to

carry out an audit of the books of a synagogue. While he was checking

the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of

candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them

back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us free box

of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his

unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his

obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo (flat bread eaten at

Passover) purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was

trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and

send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a

free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could

fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you

do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up

all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year

they send us a complete d ick.

Edited May 23, 2006 by mtbrider

[mtbrider]

A bit of Aussie culcha to start the week!

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the Barbie hotter.

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the Barbie.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the Barbie.

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold Tinnies.

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.

WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.

BYTE: What mozzies do.

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP: A bar snack.

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the Chips.

MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eat's the grain in the Shed.

MAINFRAME: What hold's the shed up.

WEB: What spiders make.

WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.

CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.

YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.

UPGRADE: A steep hill.

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the Counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter Lunch.

USER: The neighbor who keep's borrowing things.

NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing Net.

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in The net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing end's up when the pegs aren't

[CORZZA]

Gynaecologist Appointment

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his

wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a

gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over

and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[corolla_2004]

oh now that one was too good!!!

ahhahha B)

[mtbrider]

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell.

She immediately called Saint Peter and said,

"This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!"

She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on it.

The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter and called him back.

"Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged.

"There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone must attend!"

"Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away."

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning he received

another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver and heard, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!"

[mtbrider]

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children.

Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Her third husband died, and alas, she finally died, also.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for

her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman

and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,

"Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

[corolla_2004]

ditch the car

ditch the bike

DO STAND UP!

hahaha, again, very nice my friend.. very nice

[mtbrider]

One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?"

"Over by the holy water, Father. Flat on his ar$e."

[CORZZA]

Bob & sharon

Bob met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of he evening Sharon invited Bob to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together. Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other. After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Bob's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Bob comments, "Surely you can 't be ready for more already? Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine "

[eggbert_99]

As the crowded lift descended, Mrs. Silverman became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous young blonde woman.

As the lif stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly

whirled, slapped Mr. Silverman, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Silverman was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I ... I didn't pinch that girl."

"Of course you didn't," replied his wife, consolingly. "I did."

[mtbrider]

Collingwood girls - gotta love them!

A Collingwood girl walks into the local dry cleaners.

She places a garment on the counter.

"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

Another Collingwood girl was involved in a serious crash, there's blood everywhere.

The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the road.

Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."

Sharon: "Ok."

Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"

Sharon: "Oh my sh!t I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

A Collingwood girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the assessor.

"Ten" replies the Collingwood girl,

"Ten?"says the Centrelink worker.

"What are their names?"

"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan,Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Collingwood girl.

"Its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY or NATHAN GO TO BED

NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed Centrelink worker.

"That's easy," says the Collingwood girl... "I just use their surnames"

A Collingwood Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

Edited June 5, 2006 by mtbrider

[eggbert_99]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"