JOKES !!!!

[juvenile]

Blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners. The Asian lady shop owner thanks her and says "Come Again"

Blonde says" No, it's toothpaste this time you nosey b!tch

[juvenile]

Some guy was trying to pick the lock on my car boot the other day.

I told him " You behave yourself pr!ck,you're in there for a reason...

[Noodle Boy]

Guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants!

Bartender says "dude you got a stearing wheel in your pants!"

Guy says "yer it's driving me nuts!"

i dunno why but i just cracked up reading that one

Same here. Nice joke.

[jeffy]

Man and woman having a conversation about sex,

Man: "men enjoy sex more than women, why do you think we're horny all the time"

Woman: "put it this way, when your ear is itchy and you put your finger in it and scratch it. When you're finished, what feels better the finger or the ear,"

Man: "...well played"

[jeffy]

A man wanted to check out suicide book in the library,

the librarian told him to f**k off because he wont return it.

[jeffy]

i know this isnt really a joke, but i did find it very funny :3

Edited July 5, 2011 by jeffy

[jeffy]

no, there is nothing worse than raining after washing your car

*shakes fist at melbourne weather*

Edited July 7, 2011 by jeffy

[Aurionali]

no, there is nothing worse than raining after washing your car

*shakes fist at melbourne weather*

True mate, theres nothing worse then the melbourne weather,

Spent two ours to wash my car once only to have it ***** down rain on my way to work the next day -.-....

[Foss]

[image removed for space]

no, there is nothing worse than raining after washing your car

*shakes fist at melbourne weather*

True mate, theres nothing worse then the melbourne weather,

Spent two ours to wash my car once only to have it ***** down rain on my way to work the next day -.-....

You think Melbourne weather's bad? Try living in Tassie!

At the risk of starting a p!ssing contest, last year I spent 6 hours detailing my car one sunny Saturday only to have a storm start that night for the next several days.

Oh and for the sake of staying on topic with the thread...

Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?

He was outstanding in his field.

(Don't pretend you didn't laugh.)

[jeffy]

Q: How did Herpes leave the hospital

A: On crotches

[jeffy]

hahaahs, its a science joke,

H₂O₂ is hydrogen peroxide,

[Foss]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom.

"You know what," says the 7yo, "I think its time we started swearing. When we go down stairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you."

"OK" says the 4yo, and they head downstairs.

Mum asks the 7yo what he wants for breakfast.

"I'll have Coco Pops, b!tch."

Whack! He flys out of his chair crying his eyes out.

Mum looks at the 4yo and sternly says "and what will you have?"

"Dunno" he says, "but it won't be f*****g Coco Pops!"

[01 VEY]

My wife’s uncle Murray was invited up to the Daintree for a spot of Barra fishing by his buddy Frank.

On the morning in question they went to an old secluded boat ramp, launched the 15 foot aluminium dinghy and drifted downstream with the flow of the river. After a quite few hours (and beers) they had slipped down the river a couple miles but still had not caught anything worth taking home. Being an old timber getter from way back Frank still had a keen eye for quality wood that he could mill up and sell off as coffee tables. He spotted what he swore was a mid trunk section of a Silky Oak tree drifting along with the telltale curls of the water-sodden bark just protruding from the smooth surface of the water. With hand on the tiller he steered the dinghy alongside the log ready to lash it to the gunnels and drag it back to shore. As the pair got alongside the log there was a mighty splash and the hissing roar of a seven metre giant who was hungry for anything that may offer itself as a meal. Frank still had a firm grip on the outboard throttle and with a deft twist and a crafty steering manoeuvre he was able to clear the old croc and, albeit a little shaken, headed back toward the car and trailer.

As they were nearing the boat ramp Frank recalled that he saw an old workmate heading further up the river on his annual pilgrimage to the happy (Barra) hunting grounds. While talking to Murray he said “Old Bob and a couple of his mates are camping a few miles past the car and he usually has quite a few cartons and at least a couple of crates of amazing moonshine he is always willing to share with friends. That should help settle the nerves a bit.

To which Murray replied “After the near miss with that croc I will have to pass on the invitation my friend. Mate I’m certain I have a really bad case of dysentery.”

In reply Frank said “Don’t worry too much about that Murray bring that along too, those guys will drink anything!!

[Zeinheiger]

I came home one day and my girlfriend was packing her bags... I asked her what was going on... She says "You're a pedophile, I'm leaving you"

And I said "That's an awfully big word for a 6 year old"

[CORZZA]

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

[k_san]

3 people having sex = threesome

2 people having sex = twosome

1 person having sex = Handsome??

[CORZZA]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

[jeffy]

There were 2 lesbians next door to me,

They gave me a rolex for my birthday,

I think they misunderstood me when i said:

"I wanna watch"

[CORZZA]

A man goes into Dymocks and asks the young female clerk,

"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I can't remember the title."

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

The man said, "That's the one. I'll take a copy."

[CORZZA]

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us ? not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?".

The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Daddy. ...I became a prostitute..."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to any Catholic family, so yer are."

"OK, Daddy-- as ye wish. I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million cheque..For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club......... .................. (takes a breath)..... ........ and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean and... ."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.

Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jeysus! Ye scared me half to death girl!

I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."

[ben yip]

The result of asking the dog to give way to the road

[juvenile]

What do you call a blind dinosaur ?

Idontthinkhesaurus

sorry

[jeffy]

Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, then you need medicine.

[juvenile]

Hooker 1 : have you ever been picked up by the fuzz ?

Hooker 2 : no but i've been swung around by the tits

[jeffy]

Confucious say:

when you run infront of bus you get tired,

but if you run behind the bus, you get exhausted

Confucious say:

Its good for girl to meet boy in park

but better for boy to park meat in girl,

*ba tum tss*