JOKES !!!!

[mtbrider]

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says, " I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[eggbert_99]

*** Dont know if this is a double up****

A Blonde had just got a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut up a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.

When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded the blonde "stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.

He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tyres.

Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it.

He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.

He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

[mtbrider]

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says:

"Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, "what is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

"No, No, No, that won't work. That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase that." he stresses.

The woman says, "OK., I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute,then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore call girl?'

"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."

"Good enough."

[xoom]

mate keep these jokes coming ..... i just finished reading the last 3 pages and im dying from laughter ....

[mtbrider]

When Ralph first noticed that his peni$ was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his peni$ had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned.

He was having problems dressing,and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?"responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

[Phat]

if your woman comes out of the kitchen to nag you, wat have you done wrong????

made her chain to long bwhahahaha

[iNdCeNt]

NEW HUSBAND STORE:

A store selling new husbands has just opened in New York where a woman

may go to choose a husband. At the entrance is a description of how the

store operates.

"You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the

attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular

floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down

except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have

jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love

kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids,

and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have

jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes

to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love

kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong

romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign

reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on

this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible

to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

NEW WIVES STORE:

A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third to sixth floors have never been visited.

[MT]

POSSIBLY THE VERY BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER:

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning

against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on

its face.

The egg, looking a bit annoyed, grabs the sheet, rolls

over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mum and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mum and Dad?" and she replied; "they're still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.

Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mum and dad?" and his grandmother replied; "they're still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother said; "Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?"

The little boy replied, "Well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's doorand Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Ian that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the f*#k's that on the balcony with Dave?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girl friend's birthday

and as they had only started dating, after careful

consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the

right note: personal, but not too personal. Accompanied by the

girl friend's younger sister, he went to Herrod's and bought a

pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for

herself. During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items

mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girl friend got

the panties. The guy sent the package to the girl friend with

the following note:

I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of

wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister,

I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she

wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a

delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair

that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are

hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked

really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the

first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with

them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them

off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they

will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how

many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you

will wear them for me Friday night.

All my love.

PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little

fur showing.

Edited March 21, 2006 by micky_tee

[mtbrider]

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl,

"Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her bum in it."

[Smurph]

What did cindarella do when she got to the ball?

...Chocked

--------------------------------------------------------

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, you have already told her twice!

Edited March 22, 2006 by Smurph

[mtbrider]

psychiatrist is doing rounds in his asylum with a couple of students.

They look in on one patient and the psychiatrist says to his students,

"Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head of the Nazi Luftwaffe.

What condition do you think he's suffering from?"

The first student replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple personality disorder?"

The second student says, "No, I think he just doesn't know whether he's Carmen or Goering."

[Slurdog]

Why did the boy fall of his bike?

His Mum threw a fridge at him.

[Northy]

Why did the boy fall of his bike?

His Mum threw a fridge at him.

can we stop the lame jokes please....

[mtbrider]

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the evening off to do as he pleased

since they would be out until quite late.

The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour and a half, the wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to

go home and finish some work for the next day.

The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people.

So the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the couch watching TV.

She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She then told him to come closer. Then even closer.

She moved forward and whispered in his ear, "Take off my dress". "Now take off my bra."

"Next remove my shoes and stockings."

"Now remove my garter belt and panties."

She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted, "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired".

[Slurdog]

Why did the boy fall of his bike?

His Mum threw a fridge at him.

can we stop the lame jokes please....

Hey, I made that up!

Thats one of my good one's :P :P :P :P

[mtbrider]

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.

Abruptly, the girl stopped the boy dead in his tracks. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge

$60 for sex..."

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the obligatory cigarette, the boy sat in the driver's seat, staring out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $65."

[mtbrider]

A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.

His friend says, "My feet are cold mate. Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please."

The guy goes upstairs,and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 18 year old daughters.

"Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to make wild passionate love to you."

The first daughter says, "That's not true."

He says, "I'll prove it."

He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"

His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them."

[eggbert_99]

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces

himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of

aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to

them,a

single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and

pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,

spotlessly clean.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring

back

at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love

you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and

the

morning newspaper. His son is also at the table,eating.

Jack asks "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke

some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you

ran

into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose,

and

breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies,"Oh THAT!

Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your

trousers

off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, you tart, I'm married!

Broken furniture £85.26

Hot Breakfast £4.20

Red rosebud £3.00

Two Aspirins £0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........

P r I c e l e s s !!

For everything else........................................get back to

work!!

[mtbrider]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade. Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: "What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,

"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......"

[mtbrider]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied,! "Here, put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He was surprised but did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold".

The girl replied "then put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.

The now excited boyfriend thinking fast said, "Gosh my doodle is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a doodle?"

Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

[RXSeven]

John Howard

What? That's it. He's a joke.

[ChArMs_RT142]

LAME i know haha

[RXSeven]

Anyone remember Fat Albert? This isn't a joke...but it's hell funny lol

http://www.mypartypost.com/watchvideo/2142...ot_on_Southpark

[MT]

NEVER try to outsmart a woman:

A man calls his wife at home and says:

"Honey, i have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office so i will swing by the house later to pick my things up. Oh and please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired, but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few pick. But why didnt you pack my new blue silk Pyjamas like i asked?

The wife replies: "I did, they were in your tackle box."

Women will ALWAYS outsmart men.

Edited April 25, 2006 by micky_tee

[MT]

Ponderances...

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. So, I said, "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

6. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

7. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport a terminal?

8. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

9. There are two sides to every divorce: yours and ****head's.

10. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

11. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.

12. Everyday, I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

13. How come we choose from just two people to run for President, but among fifty for Miss America?

14. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

15. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

16. Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick THAT up, you don't know WHERE IT's been!"

17. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting there next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This man was driving his car down the freeway when he gets pulled over by a policeman for speeding. The cop walk up, and says to the man "do you realise how fast you were travelling back then. Lets see your licence and registration"

Not wanting to get a ticket, the man replies "well, thats a little hard, seeing how i dont have a licence and i just stole this car!"

Amazed, the officer asks "Why did you steal the car?"

to which the man replied, "just so i could hide the body in the boot."

The officer screams at the man to not move, while he runs back to the car and radio's for help.

Within minutes, the man is surrounded by about 10 police cars, and had guns pointing at him from every direction.

The chief of police walks slowly towards the man and asks him to open the boot.The man does, and suprisingly the boot is completely empty. He then asks for his licence and registration, which then man is eager to offer.

The cheif of police looks at the licence, then at the man, then towards the other officer. Confused, he says "But this man here says that he pulled you over, and you told him that you had no licence, you stole the car and had a dead body in the boot!"

the man replies "Really? huh, lying ***** like that probably said i was speeding too!"

Edited April 25, 2006 by micky_tee