JOKES !!!!

[quantum]

One fine day Jesus and Buddha had a chess game going on. Neither of them had anything they could use as a wager so they settled on the loser getting his balls flicked. The first game went by quickly with Jesus being the clear winner. Buddha yelled out in pain when he got his punishment. Not satisfied, Buddha asked for a rematch. The second game dragged on for some time until Buddha won. When it was time for Buddha's revenge, Jesus pointed somewhere and shouted "Look at that!" Buddha looked in the direction and turned back to look at Jesus but found he was gone!!! That is why you see Jesus covering himself with his leg to one side and Buddha sitting down with his fingers ready to flick Jesus's balls

[damo101]

sorry if they offend some people:

why cant kiwis take there girlfriends to the cricket?

they keep jumping the fence and eating the grass.

how do you turn a dishwasher into a cement mixer,

give her a shovel.

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.

She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you *******'. He replied casually,

'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your **** but you said, 'f##k off it'll be too painful',

Now who's laughing'

man and his wife were out shopping one day. man puts 12VB cans into the trolley.

wife- what do you think your doing?

man-they're on special $10 for 12 cans

wife- put them back we cant afford it.

they carry on shopping. a few aisles later, wife picks up $20 jar of face cream and puts in the trolley.

man- what do you think your doing?

wife- its my face cream. it makes me look beautiful.

man- SO DOES 12 CANS OF VB AND ITS HALF THE f#####g PRICE!!!

[Eargunk]

2 cannables are eating a clown, one cannable says "does this taste funny?"

[Mr ZR]

what do you call a lamb tied up in a kiwis lounge room????

a playstation.....

[damo101]

what do you call a lamb tied up in a kiwis lounge room????

a playstation.....

RROOOOFFFFFFLLLLLLL!!!

[DHC09]

[Eargunk]

Maths Teacher: Okay sammy, i have 3 marbles in one hand and 1 in the other, what do i have?

Sammy: 4 marbles in total sir:

Maths Teacher: Your turn jimmy, i have 6 apples in one hand and 4 in the other, what will i have?

Jimmy: A fregin huge hand sir.

[Mr ZR]

three blokes go to a bar an englishman irishman and a kiwi and they've all had a bad run of luck,

as they're sitting at the bar they're all talkin about their ailments, and as they're talking about all their probs they hear a voice from the end of the bar, they all look over and would you believe it jesus is sitting there and he said to the men "i can fix your problems permanently" so he goes over to the english bloke and asked "whats your problem" englishman says my back terrible pain i've had for years" jesus goes BAM and the englishman was supprised no back pain all gone,

he walks over to the irishman whats your problem irishman says dodgy knees since the day i is born jesus goes BAM he too was suprised all his pain is gone too,

jesus walks over to the kiwi and says "well whats your prob" and before he could finish the kiwi replies "F@#% off bro im on compo" got up and ran out.

[Ascendant Rice]

WARNING: RECOMMENDED FOR 18+

Whats the Difference between jelly and jam???

I cant jelly my ***** in your pussy

badum tish

[DHC09]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night.

The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night.

The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

[juvenile]

Two Irishmen were driving to the airport and spot a sign reading AIRPORT LEFT , so they went back home....

[Leroy]

Whats the difference between a Porsche and a dead hooker??

I don't have a Porsche in my garage...

[Madrox]

what do you call a sleep walking nun???

roamin catholic.

[AUR15]

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It clearly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!"

The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, It's worth a shot.

So he went to the house of the lady who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost-brand-new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "Can I take it for a test drive?"

"Sure," answered the lady.

Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly.

When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

Then the lady replied with a laugh,

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture. Just sell my Porsche and send me the money.'"

[Mr ZR]

A girl goes out for a night on the town so she heads to a pub for a couple of drinks on her way she thought "i'm gonna pick up the first guy i see"

she gets to the pub goes up stairs and she see's a man sitting at the bar by himself, so she walks over and sparks a conversation with him,

"hey big fella what ya drinkin" the bloke says " i'm drinking magic beer" the woman thought f!@k this and walked off.

she spent a few hours looking around and had a couple of drinks and eventually came back to the man at the bar and she asked the man

"so what about this magic beer" the bloke looks up and said "well i can drink this beer, run, and jump out that window, fly around the building and

come back in and sit down" so he did, out the window around the building and back onto his chair, the lady said " Thats Bull$h!t give me a go, bar tender, one

magic beer please" she slammed that beer down fast, she ran, she jumped, she fell 2 stories to her death.

the bar tender say's to the bloke "superman you're a c#nt when your pi$$t

Edited March 9, 2009 by Mr ZR

[DHC09]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy!

I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law!

I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

[torque]

New sticky for jokes. :D

ENJOY!!!

This one's a bit nasty, if you have a weak stomach.

Its one ov my personal favorites though.

A man walks into a bar in Australia & orders a whiskey.

The bartender gives him one.

he drinks it down in one shot, looks around, then throws up down the front of the bar.

"Sorry mate", he says to the bartender.

"Can I get another?"

the bartender serves him again.

Again he throws up down the front of the bar, all into the trough.

"I'm really sorry mate". he says to the bartender.

"Can i get another?"

Begrudgingly, the bar tender serves him another.

Sitting next to the unfortunate customer is a lepper.

"I'm sorry", says the lepper, "is my appearance putting you off?"

"Nah, its not you mate." Says the customer, "Its the bloke next to you, dipping his chips in your neck!"

I appologise Lord.

Torque.

[torque]

Whats the difference between a Porsche and a dead hooker??

I don't have a Porsche in my garage...

Brilliant.

torque

[torque]

New sticky for jokes. :D

ENJOY!!!

The pope is on the high speed train, going to do a mass somewhere in europe.

The arch bishop is travelling with him, and to pass the time the pope is doing a cross word puzzel.

The pope is looking a bit troubled & says to the arch bishop,

"what a four letter word for a woman, ending in u.n.t?"

They arch bishop breaks into a sweat, thinks about it for a bit, & says'

"Aunt, Aunt is a four letter word for a woman ending in u.n.t."

"Oh, Of course" says the pope, "how silly of me".

"do you have an eraser?"

Once again, I'm sorry Lord.

Torque.

[torque]

New sticky for jokes. :D

ENJOY!!!

How about the blonde, who's life is falling apart.

She lost her job, her apartment, her dog & her boyfriend.

shes really depressed & decides to kill herself.

She grabs a rope & heads to the park, to her favorite tree, and, sadly, hangs herself.

The next day, a man walking his dog in the park, comes across the tree.

he sees the blonde, hanging there, quite alive, with the rope tied around her waist.

"are you alright?" asks the man.

"no", the blonde replies.

"I wanted to hang myself, but its not working".

"well," the man says, "thats because you've got to put the rope around your neck".

"I tried that", says the blonde, "But I couldnt breathe!"

Torque.

[torque]

New sticky for jokes. :D

ENJOY!!!

An oldie, but a goody.

Three men— from Spain, America, and Australia—are sitting around a camp fire. The Spaniard gloats, “Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands.”

The Amercian replies, “Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away.”

The Australian stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his *****.

torque.

[Mr ZR]

DONT LOOK HERE FOR THE JOKE.........

ITS IN BETWEEN YOUR LEGS..........

Read it on a dunny door.

[whitestivo]

First, my apologies if this offends anyone, it is meant in good humour

Joke:

Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan, told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

whitestivo

[torque]

First, my apologies if this offends anyone, it is meant in good humour

Joke:

Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan, told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

whitestivo

personally, I like it.

torque.

[DHC09]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'"

The teacher fainted...