JOKES !!!!

[DHC09]

Something random

[DJKOR]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'"

The teacher fainted...

Nice one. I wonder how well that would go down for real. I guess there's only one way to find out.

[J e r e M y]

Saw this on the net lols..

A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She

browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet

and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely she

inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if

anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that

a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises

in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete

professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with,

"Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may

just not have been there at the time of her little

'accident',

she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely

bracelet?"

He answers,

"Madam, if you farted just looking at it,

you're going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the

price.

[Evo7]

haha good one

Evo

[mrs.sportivo]

what did the left nut say to the right nut ?

the guy in the middle thinks his soooo hard

[mrs.sportivo]

LOL so theres a centipede and a turtle and there drinking right, and then they run out of beers - so the turtles like alright, stay here ill go grab some more, te centipede was like nah you'll take to long, look ill go. So the turtle was like alright, and the centipede left. hours went by and the turtle was like where the hells the centipede so he walks outside to try and look for him - when he goes outside he sees the centipede still putting on his shoes HAHAHA :)

[KevO]

Well this isn't really a joke but I'm going to post it anyways haha.

When turning left in a normal motor vehicle, which tyre suffers the least wear ??

I'll let you guys answer this lol. I'm sure someone here has heard it before.

[DHC09]

Well this isn't really a joke but I'm going to post it anyways haha.

When turning left in a normal motor vehicle, which tyre suffers the least wear ??

I'll let you guys answer this lol. I'm sure someone here has heard it before.

The one in the boot? :P

[KevO]

yeah spare wheel.

haha damn, i was hoping to trick people

[DHC09]

[lateralus]

i heard this one today and found it highly amusing, as disturbing as it is

three vampires walk into a pub, and each take a seat at the bar. the bartender approaches the first vampire and says "what are ya having?". the vampire politely replies, "i'll be having a glass of blood thanks". the bartender says "so be it" and gets him a glass of blood.

the bartender then approaches the second vampire, and says "name your poison". the seconds vampire also opts for a glass of blood.

the bartender then asks the third vampire what he is having. the third vampire replies to the bartender "can i please have a cup of hot water?". with a confused look on his face, the bartender pours a cup of boiling water for the vampire. as he sets the cup down on the bar, the bartender asks the third vampire, "i thought that vampires drank blood?"

the third vampire, says "they do", before pulling a used tampon out of his pocket. "but i'm having tea"

[mrs.sportivo]

theres an elephant and camel and their fighting, so the elephants like to the camel "at least i dont have two boobs on my back" and the camel was like to the elephant "at least i dont have a d!ck on my face" HAHAHA :)

[Mr ZR]

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice,' he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

'Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass either,' he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.

He turns to the astonished barman and says, 'In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.

[DHC09]

Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the world.

After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed.

It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs.

The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple:

"Who is it?"

"It's Paul"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Paul?"

"Hashish from Morocco"

"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia"

"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"

"It's Matthew"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Matthew?"

"Cocaine from Bolivia"

"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"

"It's John"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring John?"

"Crack from New York"

"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"

"It's Luke"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Luke?"

"Speed from Amsterdam"

"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"

"It's Judas"

Jesus opens the door.

What did you bring Judas?"

"The DRUG SQUAD.... EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!!

[DHC09]

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.

The Pope says, "What can I do?"

The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate $10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "I am very sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.

After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gives up again.

After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The bishops rejoice at the news.

Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

[juvenile]

Guy walks into a deli and asks the shopkeeper,could i have that stick of salami please?

Shopkeeper: would you like it sliced?

Guy:sliced?what do you think my a$$ is? a moneybox

[SuperDave]

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the Butcher's' shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry just follow me..' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile..

'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers!' They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me! Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.

[DHC09]

The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.

Very nice, but I think they may have misunderstood when I said, "I wanna watch."

[DJKOR]

Mark, attended his 4 wheel drive clubs monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming annual Innamincka trip because his missus wouldn't let him go.

After copping "the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks" Mark left to go back home to the missus.

Later when Mark's mates started arriving to set up camp at Innamincka common the following week, who should be there but Mark sitting up in front of the Cooper, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and the camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.

"Geez how did ya talk ya missus into letting you come here Mark?" they asked

"I didn't have to," was Mark's reply, "When I left the meeting last week I went home disappointed and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Suddenly the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'.

"When I peeled her hands back there she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do what ever you want."

SO HERE I AM

[DJKOR]

A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young Sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the s*** out of the lot of ya’s!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" He asked.

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

[1stKill]

a guys sitting at the kitchen table reading the form guide(horse racing)...next minute his missus walks in and smacks him clean across the face.

he stands up and says WTF ya do that for,she replies i was doing the laundry and a piece of paper fell out of your pockets,it had the word Mary-Anne written on it,who the fark is Mary-Anne she says????

he replies ahh don't panic darl it's just a racehorses name,a mate gave me a tip on a race so i wrote it down,she accepts his response and moves on...

3 days later he is sitting at the kitchen table reading the form guide when next minute his missus storms in and smacks him clean across the face again...

he stands up and says WTF ya do that for and she replies ya horse is on the phone.. :D

[DHC09]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter..'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!

[Kia Kaha]

Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car

They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis for the new zippy little car . . . The Clitaurus

The car comes in pink, with fur on the dash.

Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur option

[DHC09]

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

[DHC09]

Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.

WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'

HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'

WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'

HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'

WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'

HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'

WIFE: 'You would? (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'

HUSBAND: 'Sure. It's a great house .'

WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'

HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'

WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'

HUSBAND: 'Probably. It is almost new.'

WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'

HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'

WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'

HUSBAND: 'No... I'm sure she'd want her own.'

WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?'

HUSBAND: 'Yes. Those are always good times.'

WIFE: 'Would she use my clubs?'

HUSBAND: 'No. She's left-handed.'

WIFE: - silence -

HUSBAND: ' . . .. . Sh!t.'